Week six is behind us, rose lovers, and for some reason, producers have decided to give JPJ a new, Jeff Spicoli-themed opening credit gag:
Gnarly, dude. Let’s recap.
Demi and Kristian: Kristian, who came out a few years ago, has already processed everything that Demi’s currently going through, but she’s willing to be patient. Still, things are a little tense between them.
Demi says it’s her “tornado of a brain” that’s keeping her from getting comfortable as an out gay woman.
Hannah and Dylan: “I’ve never seen two people spend more time together in my life,” says Clay of “Dannah.” And they’re about to spend even more time together because production just sent them on a date… to a child’s birthday party. (Would you let two adult strangers attend your kid’s birthday party? Discuss.)
But who cares where they are? These two sure don’t — they’re so head-over-heels for each other that they could have a romantic date at the DMV. “I love you, Hannah,” says Dylan. “I love you, Dylan,” says Hannah. And then they kiss.
Uh, can someone get the hose? There are children here, for Pete’s sake!
Connor and Whitney: Who’s Whitney, you ask? Well, she was on Nick’s season of The Bachelor a few years ago, and she and Connor had a pleasant chat at Chris and Krystal’s wedding. “I feel like we did click the night of the wedding,” says Connor, who feels like he didn’t really click with Revian. “I thought Whitney might come down the stairs, but if she doesn’t come, I’ll probably just leave.”
So Connor sits at the foot of the Paradise stairs, waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to arrive. “If Whitney doesn’t come down in the next five minutes,” he says, “I’m honestly probably just gonna leave.” Hold your horses, pal — she’s on her way!
I guess Whitney hit some traffic, though, because suddenly we cut to Connor hugging everyone goodbye and climbing into the Escape SUV. But wait… what’s this?
Yep, that’s literally Whitney’s SUV arriving just as Connor’s SUV leaves. In other words, producers did not have much to work with for tonight’s episode, so they manufactured this comedy of errors to fill some time. When Whitney shows up on the beach, Sydney informs her that Connor just left. “Oh my God-ah!” whines Whitney. “So annoying.” Yes, it is. But just get back in the car and go meet Connor at the hotel.
Can someone please get them some clothes? The beachwear-on-the-couch look is very awkward.
Nicole and Clay: Though the two have not dropped “L-bombs” yet, Nicole says she’s almost said “I love you” to Clay more than once. Will it finally happen for them both tonight on their date? Well, yes and no. At dinner, Clay talks about how they’ll have to figure out “logistics” after Paradise since he lives in Chicago and Nicole is in Miami. Nicole hints that she might be open to moving to Chicago, but she’d need to know that Clay was “100 percent” in before she did. Clay doesn’t really respond, so she asks him directly: “Do you think you’re falling, a little bit?”
It’s a tough question for him to answer. After a pause, he tells Nicole that she’s his “best friend on the beach” and that he wants to “spend so much time” with her. Finally, he chokes this out: “I’m starting to fall in love with you, I am. I just can’t say right now that I’m in love.”
So yeah, not exactly what Nicole wants to hear, but not a total disaster either. Stay tuned.
JPJ and Tayshia: These two sure do have fun. First, they build a sandcastle and watch the sunset together. Then later, Tayshia orders JPJ to change into a speedo so she can draw him like one of her French girls, Titanic-style. She might change her mind, though, when she sees what JPJ is wearing.
I really wish I could control-alt-delete that image from my brain. Anyhow, JPJ reclines on a daybed, and as some flute music that sounds vaguely like the Titanic theme plays in the background, Tayshia sketches her man. “I feel like we’re slowly but surely creating a firm foundation for something,” says Tayshia. Does she, though? JPJ for sure makes Tayshia laugh, and he’s definitely smitten with her, but these two don’t really seem like they’re built for the long haul.
Chris and Katie: “I’m just so in my head right now,” sighs Chris. “We’re coming to the end. I’m just, like, thinking, like a lot… I’m thinking way too much right now.” Even though he’s “happy” with Katie, he can’t stop second-guessing things about their relationship. Katie feels it, and it’s making her miserable.
ROSE CEREMONY RESULTS
Harrison opens the evening with this grave announcement: “If you’re not in a relationship, you’re going home.” To that end, there will be no cocktail party, just a rose ceremony — and the host reminds the guys that tonight, the roses represent “a relationship, love, happiness, hopefully spending the rest of your lives together.” Doesn’t Clay look excited?
Luke tries to give his rose to Brie, and she’s all, “Um… no?” It’s beyond painful. “Well, this has never happened before,” says Harrison, as Luke just stands in the center of the room, holding the rose awkwardly. “Is there anyone else who would like Luke’s rose tonight? Anyone?” Bueller? There are no takers, and Harrison sends Luke out the door with a handshake.
So, take two: Matt gives his rose to Brie; Dylan gives his rose to Hannah; JPJ gives his rose to Tayshia; Chase gives his rose to Angela; Clay gives his rose to Nicole; Demi gives her rose to Kristian; and Chris gives his rose to Katie. That leaves Sydney, Revian, and Haley empty-handed, and Sydney, for one, is definitely not bitter. “Matt’s going to get dumped,” she says. “There’s no way Brie is going to leave Paradise with Matt.” Well, she’s not wrong.
POST-ROSE CEREMONY RELATIONSHIP STATUS
The next morning, Harrison arrives and summons everyone to the Rose Palapa. (After six seasons, I still laugh every time I type that.) “Bachelor in Paradise as you know it is over,” says the host. “What is next is romantic overnight dates.” But first (shout-out to Julie Chen), the couples need to sit down and decide if they’re really, truly ready to take their relationship to the “next level.”
Matt and Brie: Old Matt Donald is almost giddy with the thought that he may leave Paradise with a “supermodel girlfriend,” but he and Brie are definitely not on the same page. They may not even be in the same library. “I’m honestly feeling like you made the wrong decision by giving me the rose,” she tells him. “I can’t see this going farther.” With that, they both leave Paradise.
Chase and Angela: Welp, Chase feels like “something is just missing” in his relationship with Angela, so they, too, go home alone.
Dylan and Hannah: Of course these lovebirds are headed to the Fantasy Suite. It’s gotta be a little nicer than the “boom-boom room,” right?
Clay and Nicole: Oh Lord, Nicole starts crying before they even start talking about their future. But they’re happy tears. “It’s finally happening for me,” she tells Clay, and he says he’s “so hopeful” about their relationship. Great — off to the Fantasy Suites, you two!
Tayshia and John Paul Jones: “John makes me feel like there’s no other girl in the world,” says Tayshia. “What girl doesn’t want to feel that way?” But she also has doubts deep down and wants more time to make a decision. There is no more time, though, and before she knows it, JPJ is across from her on the daybed professing his love. “I’d like to dance with you at our wedding someday, hopefully,” he says. “I’m in love with you.”
Tayshia wants to feel the same way, but she doesn’t — and now she has to give him the bad news. “I really do cherish everything we’ve had here in Mexico,” she begins. “But to hear that you’re in love with me… I want to get there, but I’m not there yet.” So, are they breaking up for good, or just not going to the Fantasy Suites together? Hard to say. As JPJ starts walking away down the beach, Tayshia suddenly leaps off the daybed and runs after him. “I’m sorry,” she sobs. “I’m sorry!”
Unfortunately for Tayshia, JPJ has his marching orders: No Fantasy Suite, no more free vacation in Mexico. He and Tayshia climb into separate Escape SUVs and leave Paradise, as producers treat us to a flashback montage of their most goofy-cute moments. Sure doesn’t seem like a breakup that will stick — but I suppose we’ll learn more about that at next week’s reunion.
Demi and Kristian: “I always feel like I have to be the rock for you,” Kristian tells Demi during their sit-down. “But then at times I get lost in, like, not sharing my emotions because I don’t want to cause you more anxiety.” Demi is still clearly struggling with her emotions, but she also wants to make things with Kristian work: “I want to be better for you, and I have to be.” Well, that seals the deal —they’re going to the Fantasy Suite.
Katie and Chris: To say this conversation doesn’t start well would be a huge understatement. Chris almost immediately starts crying, and Katie has to hold herself back from panicking. “Is this happening? Is this happening right now?” she whispers. “I don’t want this!” Neither do we, Katie! Bukowski, what in the holy hell are you doing? “I push people away that I like,” says Chris. “There’s been times where I almost wanted to tell you, like, that I just didn’t feel it anymore. But there’s been times when I’ve been on cloud 9 with you.”
Huh? “I’m confused right now,” says Katie, echoing all of us at home. “I want to be with you.” Rather than falling apart emotionally, Katie stays calm enough to talk Chris down; she reminds him that no one is going to force them to get married. “You’ve been burned, and you have fears, and that’s okay,” she says. “I don’t know if it’s you for the rest of my life, but do I like you? Yes! Do you make me happy? Absolutely!” Chastened and comforted, Chris announces that he wants to give their relationship a shot. There you go, buddy!
SPOTLIGHT ON: BUKOWSKI’S CHYRON
Eh, I’ll give it a 6 out of 10. If they don’t use “Contestant Emeritus” before the season is over, I’m going to be very disappointed.
3 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS
1) & 2) Demi and Dylan’s secondary embarrassment
Producers know that when something extremely awkward happens — like Luke’s rose ceremony fail — they can always cut to Demi for a GIF-worthy reaction shot. And Dylan is always good for a backup:
3) The birthday boy lives his best life
Happy 5th, little buddy! Sorry there were some random grown-ups at your party.
Well, rose lovers, only one episode left. And while producers clearly want us to believe that Chris and Katie break up rather than get engaged, please compare these two frame grabs: The first is from last night’s preview, and the second is from tonight’s.
The nail polish doesn’t lie! Then again, I suppose anything is possible with editing. Before you go, let me know which Paradise couples (if any) you’re rooting for — and then meet me back here next week for the finale!
The Bachelor in Paradise season 6 finale airs Tuesday, Sept. 17 at 8 p.m. on ABC.