Welcome back to The Adventures of Blake the F—boy, also known as Bachelor in Paradise. When we left off, rose lovers, Kristina arrived and asked former hookup Blake on a date… but her real plan is to make him her “bitch,” whatever that means. Let’s find out… together.
Blake and Kristina: Operation Make Him My Bitch gets off to a promising start, as Kristina rebuffs Blake’s attempt to grab her hand as they walk out of the resort. And she remains in the driver seat on the date itself, literally…
…and figuratively. “What happened with Caelynn was just, like, a slap in the face for me,” Kristina tells Blake. “It really, truly hurt me.” (Is it possible to slut-shame a man? It should be if it isn’t.) Blake insists that he values Kristina’s friendship and truly respects her — in fact, he adds, he only told Kristina about Caelynn because he respects her so much. “I made my bed and I’m going to sleep in it,” says Blake.
“Did you change the sheets?” replies Kristina. Someone bring a bottle of SPF for Blake because the dude just got burned. But the dude actually has the audacity to be angry at Kristina for calling him out on his bulls—. “This is not how I saw Paradise going,” grumbles the Town Bike. He even accuses Kristina of attacking and ambushing him. “Do not f—ing put this on me,” snaps Kristina. “I’m tired.” Same, girl. Same.
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” says Blake, before cutting Kristina off with a “talk to the hand” gesture. But Bachelor Nation’s Russian goddess gets the last word: “Be a man, Blake.”
Blake and Caelynn: TB’s women troubles continue when he arrives back at the beach from his disastrous date with Kristina. Caelynn, who’s been stewing for another whole day about Blake’s disrespectful behavior, pulls him aside with a curt, “We need to talk.” That’s right, dude — another woman wants (and deserves) an apology.
Good try at looking shocked, Blake. “You literally called me a mistake!” says Caelynn, who’s getting increasingly upset. “We know each other, dude. Just, like, acknowledge me, talk to me, don’t ignore me and make me feel like this f—ing dirty secret!” When denying everything doesn’t work, Blake just starts repeating “I’m so sorry” over and over, but it’s disingenuous at best. “I did not know you felt this way,” says Blake, playing (really) dumb for the camera. Good luck with that, buddy — because you do look like “the worst human in the world.”
Blake and Tayshia: I have two words for you: Aaaaaand scene. As soon as Kristina gives Tayshia the full scoop, she pulls the plug on her nascent relationship with the former King of Paradise. “There’s no way I can trust Blake,” she says. “He’s a freaking player.”
Dyland and Hannah G. and Wills: “I like her so much,” gushes Dylan, as he and Hannah G. canoodle in the shallow end. You know who also likes her so much? Wills. “I think you’re a really dope girl,” Wills says when he finally gets a moment alone with Hannah.
That escalated quickly, huh rose lovers? Soon after, though, Dylan swoops back in and informs Hannah that he’s only got eyes for her. Hannah’s all, That’s great but Wills and I just kissed and I may like him so… Dylan handles it well.
Hang in there, dude.
Bibiana and Clay and Nicole: The former NFL player gives everyone on the beach tickets to the gun show, as he works out his massive pecs with some resistance bands. Both Bibi and Nicole like what they see, and with the rose ceremony approaching, they take turns flirting with him all afternoon. Naturally, producers give him the date card. So who’s the lucky “lady”?
Uh, Annaliese… what are you doing here? Oh, that’s right — shaming Clay about his ex-girlfriend (and your best friend) Angela! “You know how much you’re crushing her being here,” she says. “I just don’t how you can even walk onto this beach.” Clay says Annaliese has been “misinformed,” because he and Angela have been over for months. There was no recent meet-up, he says, and he did not talk to Angela two weeks before Paradise started. “I hope that you can focus on yourself,” Clay says, which is a polite way of telling Annaliese to mind her own f—ing business. But she will not, because she’s sure Clay, whose NFL career has stalled, isn’t here for the Right Reasons™.
Anyhoo, enjoy your date, Clay and Nicole!
“Clay just makes me feel like I’m the sexiest woman alive,” gushes Nicole. “This could be the beginning of something special.”
ROSE CEREMONY SCRAMBLE
With the men handing out roses, Cam (yes, he’s still here) is feeling confident. “If you haven’t talked to me yet,” he tells the assembled women, “tonight might be your last night.” Only if they’re lucky, dude.
Blake, though, is doing more damage control than luxuriating in his rose-giving power. He’s shocked — shocked! — to hear from Tayshia that Kristina painted him “in a really bad light.” So then he heads over to Caelynn to apologize some more, but she’s not willing to spend more than a few minutes with him — after all, she needs someone to give her a rose. Could it be… OH GOD, NO!
Cam? CAM? Caelynn, is extending your free trip to Mexico really worth kissing a catchphrase-spewing white rapper? Good. Lord.
Meanwhile, both Onyeka and Jane make a play for John Paul Jones. Onyeka gets a kiss, while Jane feeds JPJ some tacos with super-hot sauce and…
“I’m good, I’m good,” JPJ assures Jane between coughs, his face beet red from gagging and vomiting so vigorously. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Jane is distraught. “That is not what I intended to do,” she says tearfully.
Contestant emeritus Chris Bukowski finds himself pursued by both Annaliese and Kristina, and he clearly has a preference for the latter (younger) option. Wills is still macking on Hannah G. (much to Dylan’s chagrin), but she lets him down gently: “I don’t want you to waste your rose tonight.” Awww, don’t cry, Wills! Your “lady” is out there somewhere.
Dylan’s sanity isn’t safe yet, though, because suddenly Blake — the Toxic Bachelor/Town Bike of Paradise — has decided that there’s something “really special” between him and Hannah. Since when, you palm-tree-shirt wearing man-whore? Anyhow, he pulls Hannah away from Dylan and prepares to make a last-ditch effort at saving his Paradise experience. “Since I got down here, I’ve done everything wrong,” Blake tells her. “That stops now.”
Hannah seems hesitant, though, so Blake brings out the big guns: “You’re the reason I’m here… I like your dress, by the way. You look great tonight.” Arrrgh, you can practically see Hannah’s resolve start to dissolve. The question, because I really can’t figure it out: Does Hannah know at this point what went on between Blake and Caelynn and Kristina? Discuss. Either way, Blake’s smooth talk wins Hannah over.
To her credit, Hannah immediate goes to talk to Dylan. “He… like, kissed me,” she confesses. “I’m trying to maneuver my way through all of this and follow, like, my heart and everything… So, yeah.” Oh man, poor Dylan. Demi, can you please talk some sense into Hannah G. before she completely falls under Blake’s spell?
But Wells the meddling bartender tells Hannah G. to follow her heart. If only she could figure out what that bloody muscle inside her chest cavity wants her to do! We’ll have to wait until next week to find out, rose lovers, because week one in Paradise ends without a rose ceremony. That’s some bulls— right there, folks.
THE 4 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS:
1) Chris Bukowski’s intro
Cruel but fair. Also, the man says he’s 32, which would mean he’s not the oldest person in Paradise. (That honor goes to Annaliese, who is 34.) Then again, do any of us believe Bukowski is actually 32? Discuss.
2) Derek and Wills’ synchronized swimming
Nice work, guys! It’s almost as impressive as this.
3) Wells does a solid impersonation of a vagina
Wells can be awfully annoying, but I’ll admit this was pretty funny.
4) Demi, certified life coach
Before you go, let me know who — if anyone — you’re rooting for in this crab-infested emotional cesspool. And seriously, is John Paul Jones gonna be okay? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC