Bachelor in Paradise recap: 'It's Geometry Beach, baby!'
Spying, smooching, spiraling, and sloppy-drunk bonding — this episode of Bachelor in Paradise had it all! (Except, of course, a rose ceremony.)
Let's recap!
We kick things off with Lace's confrontation with Rodney, already in progress.
ABC Lace gives Rodney a choice.
"I came to get on the same page," says Lace. "It's either you or no one because I'm not going to settle, and I want to be here with you."
Unfortunately for Lace, there could not be more distance between her page and Rodney's. He does his best to break the news to her gently, saying that he and Eliza had "a really nice time" on their date. "I didn't think I'd have to make this decision tonight," he continues. "I definitely don't want to waste your time at all, and I don't want to hurt you."
Though the guys are watching from afar, giddily waiting for Lace to "turn into Lace-ifer" (Brandon's words), in fact she does not lash out. "I'm going home," she says, bursting into tears. "This all sucks so bad." Rodney apologizes and tries to comfort her. "I just don't want to lie to you," he says. "You're an amazing, amazing person." Lace pulls away from him and gives tearful hugs to everyone on the beach. "Your person's out there," Michael assures her. "It doesn't feel like it now, but it's out there." He's not wrong, Lace! Hang in there.
ABC Once more unto the breach, Lace.
Once Lace leaves, Eliza goes to check on Rodney. He's feeling bad but doesn't regret his choice. "I didn't want to lie to her or lead her on," he says. "This is where my heart's at."
Of course, not every guy on the beach is looking to switch partners. Aaron, Brandon, and Johnny are still patiently waiting for their ladies to return. And now, thanks to Lace's visit, they know for sure that there are men trying to woo their women at the hotel. Aaron is "hella nervous" that Genevieve might be making a "connection" with someone else, and now Brandon is starting to panic that Serene will find someone else. If only he could see her face when Rick tries to flirt with her:
ABC She could not be less interested.
Big "no, thanks" vibes there. Still, Brandon is losing his mind. "I want to quit!" he declares. "I'm on edge every day!" Sir, it's been like 27 hours. Take a deep breath. Or better yet, just go to bed.
We interrupt this recap for a reading from Jill's journal.
ABC Unfiltered Jill
"None of these dudes are funny at all," she continues. Jill, Genevieve, and Serene are desperate to get back to the beach, which means it's time for Jesse Palmer to "check in." Whoa, buddy — watch your step!
ABC See you next fall!
LOVE that they kept that in the final cut, LOL. "I hate it here," Jill says. "I worry about what's going on back on the beach." Genevieve and Serene second that emotion. That's when Jesse drops the bomb that Lace went back to the beach and discovered that Rodney had "formed a stronger connection" with somebody new. This news has the intended effect: All the women start freaking out that the same thing will happen to them. It "confirms all of our worst fears," Jill says. "I'm stressed!" frets Genevieve, cracking her knuckles frantically.
Victoria, however, isn't very upset. She tells Palmer that she's feeling "confused," which — as my colleague Emlyn pointed out last week — is Bachelor in Paradise speak for "I'm into someone new now." Victoria is into Alex, Brittany and Shanae have the hots for Tyler, and all the women think Thor (Adam) is a major catch. Since no one has any interest in Rick or Olu, Palmer announces that he's going to cut them loose rather than waste any more of their time. (Oh, it wasn't wasted, sir — for these folks, any time in front of a camera is time well spent.)
Even though Shanae is excited to "explore" things with Tyler, she still says she's going to cut Logan's d--- off if he does the same with another woman. Well honey, you'd better sharpen your garden shears: Not only did Logan go on a date with Sarah, but last night, Kate threw her proverbial hat into the ring.
ABC Kate flirts with Logan
Okay, so she wasn't that forward — but Kate did tell Logan she thinks there's something between them and she wants to act on it, even though she's been hanging out with Jacob. "I came here to feel something groundbreaking, and I feel that for Kate," says Logan. Even though he knows "the whole beach is going to turn upside-down," Logan is determined to act on his feelings for Kate. And this info prompts Johnny to drop his much-hyped soundbite: "There's love triangles and there's hexagons. It's like Geometry Beach, baby!"
ABC I want this on a t-shirt.
Props to the BIP graphics department, for sure.
Of course, Kate still hasn't let Jacob know that he's yesterday's news. In fact, she greets him with a good-morning kiss — right in front of Logan!
ABC What a tangled web we weave...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, etc… "I feel like today is going to be another good day!" Jacob says with a chuckle. Oh, poor, clueless Tarzan. The ponytailed doofus is really excited to pursue things with Kate, and when she gets a date card, Jacob literally rubs his hands together with excitement. But instead of asking him on the date, Kate asks Jacob to join her for a quick chat on the beach. Dun dun dunnnnn….
Jacob is not the only one who realizes this is bad news. As Michael puts it, "'Can we talk' means, 'You're going down.'" And indeed:
ABC Kate gives Jacob the bad news.
"Ever since last night, I'm feeling like there might be a stronger connection with someone else," Kate says. "And that someone else is Logan." What's Jacob supposed to say other than, "You do your thing, girl"? At least the poor guy isn't the only one blindsided by Kate's decision to ask out Logan.
ABC Welcome to Dumpsville, population you.
"I think I'm just gonna… smile and take it," Sarah says with a sigh. And that's pretty much what she does when Logan pulls her for the "¯\_(ツ)_/¯" conversation. "Our date was amazing," he says. "I just hope that me going on this date… doesn't make you think our date didn't mean a lot to me, because it did." Sarah listens politely, and then informs Logan that she doesn't want to talk. Once she walks away, though, Sarah cries angry tears. "Karma is real," she says with a smirk.
Hmmm… wonder what's going on over at the hotel?
ABC Paradise's greatest love story
"We might!" answers Shanae. She and Genevieve have been downing shots together all afternoon, and the tequila bonding is in full effect. "This bitch, I hated her!" marvels Gen. "But then, like, talking to you… I love you!" They wrap each other in a sloppy hug.
ABC Genevieve and Shanae
Oh, they did, hon — just as they aired you drunkenly stumbling by the pool. Congrats!
Meanwhile, Logan and Kate have left for their date. Jacob copes by doing some deep breathing and meditation, and you know what? Good for him! Better than coping with booze and negative thoughts.
And frankly, I'd rather meditate than go on a spa date where I have to do all the work. Right now, Kate's straddling Logan and smearing some sugar scrub all over his back. "This is going to tear your skin clean off," she jokes. "So, we'll just start fresh and raw." Of course, Logan LOVES it, even when Kate starts smacking him with a cactus paddle. Eventually it's Kate's turn to get rubbed down and smeared with mud by a man who is not a licensed masseuse.
Miles away, Shanae and Genevieve pray to Baby Jesus to ruin all the Paradise dates by bringing rain. The rain part works ("Baby Jesus has our backs!" declares Genevieve), but Logan and Kate are still having a fantabulous time together.
ABC Logan and Kate
(Side note: Did Palmer just make a "spa"/"happy ending" joke in his voiceover casting announcement? Ewwwwwww!)
Time to move on to another "relationship": Victoria and Johnny. The latter is just counting the days until Victoria comes back to the beach. The former, however, is currently flirting it up with Alex at the hotel. Victoria says she "didn't really vibe with him at first," but then he gave her a head massage while she was snoozing on the couch… and infatuation bloomed.
ABC Alex seduces Victoria
"It was perfect," says Victoria. "Physical touch is my love language." It doesn't hurt that Alex is older than Johnny (33 vs. 25) and therefore more likely to be ready to settle down. And thus, when Victoria gets a date card, she asks Alex to accompany her.
Over dinner, Victoria admits to Alex that at first, she didn't want to talk to him because he resembled her ex-boyfriends. "Sounds like you facially profiled me," he jokes. "I get it. I do look like everyone's, like, ex-boyfriend douchebag. I am that archetype." (We stan a self-aware hunk.) Even though he could sense that Victoria was keeping him at arm's length, Alex persevered, and eventually his stellar head massage skills won the day.
Of course, this date is intercut with scenes of Johnny talking to Brandon about how much he cares for Victoria, and how he's never felt like this about someone before, etc. "I'm definitely leaning towards falling in love, for sure," he says. "Something about Victoria just gets me, like, I just want to be a better person." Awwww, something tells me this poor guy has some major disappointment in his future.
Back at the hotel, Brittany has decided to shoot her shot with Tyler even though Shanae is into him, too. They sit with their feet in the pool and chat about their "connection," and Brittany indicates that she's ready to shunt Andrew to the side if Tyler wants to pursue things with her. Spoiler alert: He is.
ABC Tyler and Brittany
That said, Tyler knows he has to have The Conversation™ with Shanae. And he had better do it fast, because at this very moment she's stomping around the hotel looking for him. As soon as she realizes that Tyler must be with Brittany, she huffs off to her room and starts venting to Genevieve. "I'm pissed! I'm not here to play games," she fumes through the closed door, as Serene and Jill eavesdrop outside. "If I'm not hanging out with Tyler, I'm done!"
Um, is this the same woman who said she'd castrate Logan if he went out with someone else? Don't answer that. Anyhow, Genevieve volunteers to go track Tyler down to confirm that he is, in fact, with Brittany. But once she peeks through the curtains and spies Tyler and Brittany sucking face at the pool, Genevieve loses her nerve. "I'm not telling her!" she says to no one in particular.
The only hope Shanae has now is if Logan is waiting for her, chaste and alone, at the beach — and we all know that's not the case, rose lovers. Prepare for the s---storm, everybody! Monday's episode ends with an ominous preview of the women returning to the beach. Do you think any of the original couples (besides Serene and Brandon) will stay together? Should Victoria choose Alex or Johnny? And are Shanae and Genevieve the best love story in Paradise? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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