Bachelor in Paradise recap: 'Cheers to seeing your schlong'
Hello, rose lovers! After some time of my own on a beach with significantly less drama than Paradise, I have returned to write another recap.
We pick up right where we left off last night in the thick of Aaron and Thomas' fight, with Serena and Brendan taking bets on who would win if things got physical. (Answer: Neither because then they'd be kicked off the show.) Thomas tries to explain to Aaron that he can't help it if Tammy chose him, but he's too smug for his own good — and he finally admits that he's glad things went down this way.
Tammy, who Joe notes clearly doesn't want to be happy (oh, Joe, so wise), goes to pull Aaron aside. He calls her out for telling him to trust her and then straddling and kissing his mortal enemy right in front of him. He feels like what she did was malicious, going with the "big-bodied trash can" that is Thomas.
Naturally, Tammy starts to cry about how horrible she feels and that she didn't want to hurt anyone. Although, it mostly looks like she's trying to make herself cry... and failing. Tammy, you need to talk to Demi about acting lessons.
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Elsewhere, Deandra struggles to decide which of her two extremely egotistical suitors she should choose: Karl or Chasen. Chasen takes her aside, saying he has a special date for her, while Karl gloats about his genius move of gifting her a Pandora bracelet (which, as Noah points out, was the cool thing to get your mom in 2000).
Not to be outdone, Chasen gives Deandra the blingiest necklace in history. Seriously, it's dark on the beach, but Deandra, you might need some sunglasses. She politely says it matches her outfit, and he notes it also matches her earrings, which are… gold hoops. No, Chasen, a rhinestone silver necklace doesn't match gold hoops. What are you thinking? And where are these guys getting all this jewelry? Is there some new special oyster I haven't heard about that pops out bling?
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But it seems like Chasen's ploy works because Deandra returns the bracelet to Karl, saying he needs to give it to someone he has a mutual connection with. Karl respects her choice, but then he also pulls Chasen aside to talk to him about his one-up-manship. They get into it, with Karl dubbing Chasen "Captain One-Upper Pants," and Chasen retorting that he's "Captain One-Liner." Wrong again, Chasen! Have you met Demi?
Deandra wisely seems to see through these attempts to buy her affection, pondering how legit any of this is. Once again, Demi says what we're all thinking, declaring both pieces of jewelry "hideous."
The men who aren't boo'd up (nope, still doesn't work!) are desperately trying to make a connection, with James and Ivan talking to Mari. But it's time for another dramatic exit, with Tre deciding that Tahzjuan isn't his person… and therefore he should leave Paradise. Tre, you don't want to just see who else is coming to the beach? He breaks things off with Tahz before he goes. "I don't feel that we are right for each other," he tells her. "You were somebody that I really saw… something to build with, and now that that's kind of come for a close, it's time for me to go."
It's time now for one last surprise before Lance Bass officially says bye, bye, bye as the guest host.
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And that surprise is one the trailers told us was coming for three weeks… Becca Kufrin, the first-ever former Bachelorette to come to Paradise. Becca, I'm excited to have you back, but you should run for the hills before your heels hit this beach.
All the men are thrilled to see Becca. The women, not so much — since she's just more competition and apparently, in their eyes, far superior to all of them. C'mon ladies, where's that confidence? This arrival sends Tahzjuan over the edge Tre already had her teetering on, and as quickly as the guys got an extra rose, they lose another one as she decides to peace out as well.
The still-available guys go for a round of speed dating with Becca. She makes her way through Ivan, James, Karl, and Aaron. She spends the most time (on camera anyway) with Aaron, and he lays it on thick, telling her how beautiful she is and how he's always had a crush on her. But when Becca finds out he's 26, she makes the most epic cringe face, which suggests that maybe she regrets coming to the beach with all these messy twenty-somethings.
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But she recovers quickly, telling him he seems more mature and deciding to own the "cougar" label.
Finally, it's time for another rose ceremony — this one with the ladies in control. Wells says this is the craziest he's ever seen Paradise but I feel like that's recency bias. He informs everyone that Tahzjuan has left, leaving the guys shaking in their sandals at the prospect of one fewer rose.
Natasha gives her rose to Brendan, but she absolutely doesn't look happy about it. Is this the face of a girl who is super excited about the guy she's giving her rose to?
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Most of the rest of the roses continue as expected.
Maurissa to Riley
Serena to Joe
Abigail to Noah
Jessenia to Chris
Tammy to Thomas
Demi to Kenny
Mari to James
Hold up! Deandra, now sans garish necklace, doesn't choose Chasen or Karl. Instead, she gives Ivan a friendship rose, telling him she believes he deserves to be on this beach. Aww, Deandra, way to go! Always choose friendship over tacky jewelry.
Becca gives her rose to Aaron, saying he's living up to the hype as the funniest person on the beach. I'm sorry, Becca, that's just rude: Demi is right there. And when it comes to Aaron, a better label might be "the angriest person on the beach." I can only assume this was a producer nudge to prolong the Aaron and Thomas drama. Ick.
So, it's time to bid adios to Connor, Karl, and Chasen. Chasen blames Karl for messing things up with Deandra, while Connor actually manages to score some empathy during his sad-sack ride in the Reject SUV. "It just feels like no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough," he says tearfully. "I just want somebody to choose me." But hey, now we don't have to hear him play the guitar anymore, so can't feel too bad.
A new day dawns in Paradise, which inevitably means that it's time for more relationships to go up in flames. Mari is still pining for Kenny, while Demi seems assured nothing will come between them. Just to prove her wrong, here comes Tia, a.k.a. the woman who had her heart broken by Colton in one of the messiest breakups in Bachelor history.
She's got a date card in hand and pulls aside both Thomas and Kenny to weigh her tall, dark, and handsome options. Having known Tia from his last BiP season, Joe pegs Kenny as perfect for her but fears the inevitable wrath of Demi, so he advises Kenny to work that out. Kenny pulls Demi aside, and she promptly informs him that she definitely wouldn't be happy about him going on a date with Tia. He tries to back her into giving him permission, and she dances around it with a "I don't want you to do it, but I don't want to hold you back" waltz.
Kenny doesn't take Demi's words to heart, and he agrees to go out with Tia. "It's payback!" Mari cries gleefully. Props to you, girl, for having the guts to stand up to Demi. Demi tries to brush it off with the repeated mantra that life is hard when you're dating the hottest guy on the beach. Hmm, from my point of view, that title falls to the very much taken Wells Adams.
Joe and Serena continue to connect over… their names? Really soul-searching, deep conversations here. Meanwhile, Abigail fears she and Noah are getting stuck in the friend zone since they're not full PDA like everyone else. She goes to talk to him, and he gives her a non-answer that everyone else is obsessed with their relationship.
They discuss whether they're just friends or something more than friends. Abigail fears how easy it is between them. Oh, honey. None of this sits well with Noah, who says he needs some space, while Abigail cries over the concern that she just self-sabotaged her relationship. A little too late for the self-awareness, Abigail.
Kenny is pumped to be on his first one-on-one date ever, which apparently involves playing volleyball. No, wait, make that naked volleyball.
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Tia is horrified by all the p and v exposed on the beach, and Kenny plays along with her horror. At no point did you think it worth mentioning that you showed up to Paradise naked, sir?
In the end, she agrees to play topless and Kenny once again takes out Little Kenny for all to see. I don't think anyone on this beach should be concerned about who Kenny loves most in Paradise. It is obviously an entity firmly attached to his personage. At least until Demi gets through with him.
After the game, Tia and Kenny put their swimsuits back on and share some champagne on the beach. "Well, cheers to seeing your tits already," he jokes. "Cheers to seeing your schlong in all its glory," she replies. She then teases him for going on a date with her two days after being in the Boom Boom Room with Demi. "Did you f--- her?" she asks, already knowing the answer. "Girls freak out about that. If you sleep with someone, they're gonna freak out if you go out with someone else. Oh, God — I'm getting murdered in my sleep." Well, if today's your last day on Earth, Tia, you may as well just go for it.
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She explains to Kenny that women think sex means something. For a guy whose profession is listed as 40-year-old, you think he would've figured that out by now. But hey, they still kiss.
Back at Paradise HQ, Joe utters some famous Bachelor in Paradise last words, proclaiming that he and Serena are the strongest couple on the beach. Here to blow that up is Kendall, Joe's ex from a previous Bachelor in Paradise season, who apparently is not over him. She rolls into Paradise with a single-minded purpose — to find and talk to Joe. The prospect of which has Joe summing up the end of this episode for all of us.
What do you think, rose lovers? Will Kendall and Joe get back together? How many more hearts will Kenny break? Is Deandra's friendship rose going to allow Ivan to finally find love on the beach? Sound off in the comments below.
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