Bachelor in Paradise recap: Better never than late
We've officially entered the final two weeks of Bachelor in Paradise, rose lovers, which means we're in the "participation trophy" phase of the season. Pretty much anyone who's ever appeared on an episode of any Bachelor-related show gets a chance to walk onto the beach holding a date card. Case in point:
ABC I dare you to name these women.
Let's recap!
"It's just a somber day," says Serene as the episode begins. Everyone's still feeling weepy and depressed about Rodney and Eliza's breakup. Andrew's crying, Brandon's crying, and Johnny's "questioning everything," bro. Though Brandon is especially torn up about his pal, the situation has reminded him how lucky he is to have met Serene. "I'm so happy I met you," he says, sniffling. "I'm never going to stop loving you." Here's hoping, buddy.
Speaking of unlikely hopes, let's check in on Eliza. When last we saw her, she was heading to Baltimore to ask Justin for a second chance. "I'm really positive that we're going to be able to pick up where we left off," she says. But then Justin opens the door.
ABC Surprise, Justin!
Justin says he's happy to see Eliza, but that is not a "happy to see you face." Still, he invites her in and listens, staring at the floor, as Eliza makes her case. "The second you left, something, like, started to click for me," she says. "I think I let all the outside pressure… kind of factor into my decision that night." Eliza goes on to admit that she "made the wrong choice," and lets Justin know that she dumped Rodney and left Paradise the next day to come see him.
Justin, who hasn't even unpacked his Paradise luggage, is "speechless." He asks for a few minutes to "process" the news, but really, he's just trying to come up with the nicest way to say no. Finally, Justin takes a page out of Andrew's book and says he wants someone to choose him first. "You chose Rodney, and that s---, like, hurts," he says. "Maybe it's time I choose myself."
Eliza is stunned.
ABC Denied.
She flew across the country with a camera crew for this! Where's her romantic reunion, dang it? Eliza gets up and walks outside to vent to producers. "Okay, I messed up, I get it. But this is me saying I'm sorry," she says, wiping away tears. "I'm going home. There's not much else for me to do." (Anyone think she and Justin will be back together at the reunion?)
Back on the beach, everyone is still moping around. But hey, here comes Mara from Clayton's season — and she's ready to party!
ABC ¡Hola, Mara!
Unfortunately, the vibe in Paradise is less "party" and more "attending your great aunt's wake." Everyone just kind of stares at Mara blankly as she goes through her painfully peppy introduction — "Hey guys, I'm Mara, like marinara — a little spicy, a little saucy!" — and starts pulling guys for chats. One by one, the men inform Mara that they're already boo'd up and aren't comfortable going on a date. "I have all the energy, and this beach right now is like, 'Womp-womp,'" grouses Mara.
After getting rejected by Andrew, Logan, and Johnny, she asks Twin B to join her for a chat, which he does after disentangling himself from Flo's arms. "I'm almost positive I'm a whole decade older than him," says Mara, though at 33, she's only 9 years older than Situation Jr. And he's the only guy who's likely to say yes to her, so Mara asks Twin B. on the date — and he accepts. Sorry, Flo!
Honestly, though, the only reason Flo even cares is because the men are handing out the roses this week, and she's not ready for her free vacation to be over. With tensions high, Flo and Mara exchange words before the date. "A little competition never hurt nobody," says Mara. "Nobody said anything about competition," Flo shoots back. Everyone giggles through the awkwardness, but Victoria is loving it.
ABC Everyone loves a catfight.
"Battle of the cougars!" she says. "The claws are coming out tonight." (Reminder: In Paradise, any woman over the age of 28 is considered a "cougar." But dudes can roll up on a Rascal mobility scooter and still be considered hot commodities.)
Anyhow, the date is a mess — literally.
ABC There's nothing more romantic than a health-code violation.
Mara and Twin B. make "human churros" by coating each other with butter, sugar, cinnamon, and chocolate sauce and then making out. It is very unpleasant to watch, and the faux porn music doesn't help.
Meanwhile at the beach, Victoria and Johnny are bonding over their dads, who both show their love with teasing and "loving" insults. "My dad used to call me pork chop growing up," says Johnny. "Like, 'Pork chop, what are you doing, fat boy?'" Then Johnny reveals that his older brother is currently in prison, which is of course very difficult on his whole family. "My mom's not doing well," he admits. "But she's strong, she's tough." Hang in there, Johnny and Johnny's mom!
Still, the conversation brings Johnny and Victoria closer. "I'm becoming more open to the possibility of being engaged," says Johnny. "It happens when you're not looking for it."
Not everyone is feeling the love, though. Logan is still salty about Kate calling him out at the rose ceremony and saying she needs more from him. But more what, exactly? Let's let Kate explain. "Logan is 26 years old, not established, drives an orange Honda, has a broken phone, he's a dog walker," she explains. "Meanwhile, I'm constantly someone who is wow-ing. I'm a wow-er. I want to be wowed."
Yeah, okay. This relationship is doomed. Kate wants someone with more money and maturity, and Logan wants someone who won't belittle him for the color of his car or the fact that he's a dog walker. But for the sake of the cameras, they're going to try to make it work a little bit longer.
Logan pulls Kate to a day bed to tell her how hurt he was by her statements at the rose ceremony. "I thought it was a good week, and I thought maybe there was like positives that we would celebrate rather than sort of like a warning," he says. Kate apologizes for making him feel bad but says that she doesn't always want to be the one "steering the ship" in the relationship. Logan's all, I steer the ship, too! Didn't I announce to the entire beach how much I like you? Kate insists that she "appreciates" the efforts he's made but she still feels like she's doing most of the work. "When I want you to fight for me, then you should fight for me," she says.
Ohhh, there it is. Kate is still mad that Logan didn't explicitly tell her not to go on the date with Hayden, and he's still mad that she hasn't recognized his efforts to make things better. Talking about it again and acknowledging each other's position helps a little bit, and they end their conversation with a smooch. Still, Logan worries that the "leftover resentment" and "feelings of anxiety" could derail things in the future.
We interrupt this recap for a slang tutorial. Aaron, take it away!
ABC Professor Aaron explains it all.
"When you take that first sip of iced coff in the morning, and when it trickles down and hits the lower intest, that's nectar," explains Aaron. "When the sun dips low beyond the horiz — sweet nectar."
For Flo, watching Mara flirt with Twin B. the morning after their date is absolutely not nectar. "Since he left on the date, I haven't even got a hug or an explanation or an update," she complains. "It's f---ed up." Irritated and embarrassed, Flo huffs off to go pack her bags — and only then does Twin B. come to find her. "I don't want to be an option," she tells him. "I want someone who is sure that they want to get to know me."
Are you sensing a theme here, rose lovers? Either way, Twin B. informs Flo that he thinks their "connection" is stronger than whatever he has with Mara, and he wants to stick with her. Wonderful news! But now he has to tell Mara — who just walked up to interrupt their chat.
"I had a great time with you," says the twin. "But I just think for now I feel a greater connection to Flo." Mara is irked, to say the least, but she laughs it off and gives him an "it's all good" hug. She walks away down the beach, as a cartoonish march plays on the soundtrack. (Is it me, or does it sound a little like the music that accompanied the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz?) It's okay, Mara. Have a shot and shake it off. This humiliation shall pass.
ABC Shake it off, Mara.
And hey, maybe she'll have a drinking buddy in Jessenia soon. Just as Andrew is pulling out of his funk, in walks these two women who we definitely all remember from Clayton's season.
ABC Ency and Lyndsey
Ency has her eye on Andrew, and when they sit down to chat, he says the five words every late arrival on Paradise wants to hear: "I know who you are." Indeed, Andrew seems into their conversation; he tells Ency that he likes her "energy" and that she may be the "restart" that he needs. Lyndsey, meanwhile, trips on her way into the beach, and then falls right into the toxic vortex that is Kate and Logan.
To his credit, Logan quickly offers up that he's currently "talking to" Kate, which is how people in Paradise say they're in a relationship. "Kate's one of my good friends," notes Lyndsey, but that doesn't stop her from asking Logan if he'd be "open" to going on the date with her. He's going to say no, right? RIGHT? Wrong.
"I would have to talk to Kate about it," says Logan. "You were someone that I wanted to meet." Does this man have a death wish? More importantly, why did producers have to do Lyndsey so dirty by leaving this shot in?
ABC Not cool, producers.
Come on, help a girl out and don't show her on national TV with a big wet spot on her butt.
When Ency asks Andrew on a date, he accepts. Logan, however, is true to his word and responds to Lyndsey's invitation by saying, "I'm going to talk to Kate." And boy, is Kate unhappy with this development. "I'm confused that you're even entertaining this based on our conversation last night," she fumes. Logan pushes back, accusing Kate of being "disappointed and critical and frustrated with me constantly."
Soon enough, they're fighting about — you guessed it — Kate's decision to go on the date with Hayden. Kate assures Logan that "at this stage" she wouldn't consider going on a date with another guy, even if that guy was on her list. After all, her date with Hayden was "literally eons ago," and she's a "different person" now. (Narrator: It wasn't, and she's not.)
The most hilarious thing about this is how angry Kate gets about Logan saying she's been "critical" of him. "Name a moment when I was critical of you!" she demands in her confessional. Um, how about a few paragraphs ago when you bitched about his orange Honda and job as a dog walker? "If Logan says yes to this date," Kate continues, "I will [beep] up his [beep], or whatever the [beep] it is."
Any guesses as to what she was talking about, rose lovers? Doesn't really matter. Logan's [beep] is safe, because he turns Lyndsey down. Rather than stick around to watch her coupled-up friends be all schmoopie with each other, Lyndsey self-evicts and heads back to America.
Welp, the only thing left to do is watch Andrew and Ency eat oysters on their date.
ABC Mmmm... oysters.
He may not like the taste, but Andrew is a fan of eating an (alleged) aphrodisiac on a date. "I can already feel my sex drive!" he jokes. "I'm about ready to flip this table over." He and Ency do seem to have some flirty chemistry, though, and pretty soon they're making out in the pool.
The next day, back at Paradise HQ, Jessenia is feeling down about the situation — and what Andrew's about to say is only going to make her feel worse. "You deserve a little bit more than what I've been able to give you," he says, referring to the funk that he's been in since Rodney left. When Jessenia counters that she's surprised he would go on a date when he's been feeling so down, Andrew says that Ency had "good energy" — which I'm sure he didn't mean as an insult to Jessenia, but the implication sure seems to be, "…and you do not."
Long story short, Jessenia likes Andrew more than he ever liked her, which sucks — but who among us hasn't been there? After their conversation, Jessenia retreats upstairs to cry it out. "I really started to like him," she says tearfully. "I need to go… There's no one here for me, so what's the point?"
Good question, honey. But if you're looking for a point to Bachelor in Paradise, your search will be in vain. Case in point:
ABC Gabby and Rachel arrive
Yep, that's former Bachelorettes Gabby and Rachel showing up in Paradise for absolutely no reason at all! Ostensibly, the reason is to make their "exes" — specifically Logan and Johnny — feel uncomfortable, but really, it's just more producer-driven chaos. As all the women greet each other with hugs and ear-piercing squeals, Logan, Johnny, and Tyler shift around in their seats and smile nervously.
Eventually, Tyler gets up to greet the women. "Hey Rachel!" he says, wrapping her in a hug. "Congratulations to you, I'm just so happy for you." Wait, is he congratulating her on her "engagement" to "Tino"? I guess he must be — this was probably filmed before the disastrous "happy couple" visit/breakup that we saw in the finale. And it was definitely filmed before Gabby and Erich's breakup was announced last week. Of course, I went back and did a frame-by-frame analysis to see if the Bachelorettes were wearing their engagement rings when they arrived.
ABC Gabby and Rachel and their rings
I know what we're supposed to care about here is what Gabby and Rachel might say to mess up Logan's relationship with Kate and Johnny's relationship with Victoria, but I truly could not care less. That said, I'd kill to see the footage producers have of Rachel and Gabby talking to the women about their engagements and how happy they are with their fiancés, etc. That would make for an amazing addition to the blooper reel at the reunion. Just sayin'.
Only three episodes left, rose lovers! Are you surprised Justin rejected Eliza in Baltimore? Is it just me, or is Kate now so unlikable that she actually makes Logan seem sympathetic? And is a "human churro" date nectar or nasty? Post your thoughts below!
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