‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: Last Chance For Cold Feet

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Sept. 5 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

We’ve almost made it to the end, rose lovers! Let’s greet our opening credits newbies for the last time, shall we?

You go on with your retainer-wearing self, girl!

Looking good, comrade.

Just as we are seeing the light at the end of the Paradise tunnel, the Bippers are starting to realize that they’re soon to be thrust back into the Real World. “It’s crazy to think it’s the last week in Paradise,” says Grant, who knows he’s going to be spending the final seven days repeatedly talking Lace off the ledge. Jen, meanwhile, is concerned that Nick, the guy she’s falling for, is “putting breaks up” when it comes to commitment. Not that any of us are invested in that relationship anymore, LOLZ.

Thank goodness no one else is coming to screw up these couples’ dynamics… oh crap.

Welcome Tiara, the “chicken enthusiast” from Ben’s season. And congratulations, toots – you are officially the lowest person on the Bachelor franchise totem pole. Like, lower than Carl, even.

Annoyingly, Tiara didn’t even bring Sheila her chicken – didn’t she learn from Ben’s season? Had she exited the limo with Sheila, who could’ve been dressed in a tiny, matching sequin gown, the Bachelor for sure would have kept her around longer. Perhaps knowing how hopeless her situation in Paradise is, the chickenless blonde decides to hand over her date card to Nick, so he can take Jen out for a one-on-one. Oh yay! Can’t wait to spend 20 minutes watching those two on a completely pointless outing!

Obviously ABC knew that when they made the choice to crown Nick the Bachelor, they’d have to sacrifice any dramatic tension in his BiP storyline. And obviously Team Bachelor knew we’d mock the for it, especially as we listen to Nick say things like, “I just need that time with Jen to see if there’s any real potential here.” Hmmm… perhaps this Mexican fortune-teller has your answer.

The tarot cards reinforce all of Jen’s fears — specifically, that Nick has “one foot in and one foot out” of their relationship. Nick reassures her that he’s “excited” and “hopeful” about their potential as a couple, and they leave the carnival confident that they’re “both on the same page.”

In terms of couples whose future is not a foregone conclusion, Lauren H. is hoping to solidify her standing with Brett before the next night’s rose ceremony. “I like you,” she tells him weakly. “I want to see where it goes.” And wouldn’t you know it, Brett feels the same way. “At this point I have a better connection with Lauren,” he says. “I’ve kind of moved on from what Izzy and I had.” (Somewhere, Vinny is raising a glass to Karma, the ultimate bitch.)

Rather than making Izzy wait until the rose ceremony, Brett decides to pull her aside and give her the bad news… without making eye contact once.

Sufficiently humiliated, Izzy offers Brett a quick “good luck” and trudges off to pack her bags. “I got full-on rejected,” she sighs. “I full regret my decision to say goodbye to Vinny… I don’t feel good about myself.” (Just to twist the knife a little more, Team Bachelor cues a montage of Vizzy’s sweetest moments in Paradise.) Now that Brett has given her the boot, Izzy plans to go crawling back to Vinny to ask for a second chance. “I just want him to know how sorry I am, and beg for his forgiveness, and see if he would be open to me coming to Florida,” she says. Sounds like a capital idea, hon. “Go get your Vinny!” Evan calls to Izzy as she drags her bag across the beach.

Once in the Reject Van, Izzy — who’s “in it to Vin it” — dials her man and puts the phone on speaker.

Izzy skips the small talk and launches right into her pitch. “I made a mistake. I completely, completely regret not thinking about your feelings before acting upon anything,” she says sadly. “I chose to leave Paradise today in hopes that you and I could get back together and things could be like a fairy tale, and I could come to Florida and talk to you tonight.” And because Brett was gonna dump your ass, but why quibble about details, right?

Though Vinny would have been perfectly justified in shouting “HELL no” and hanging up, instead he calmly but firmly rejects her offer. Telling Izzy that what she did left him feeling “blindsided,” and that anything he felt for her “went out the window” with that one “shallow” act. “I just can’t be with somebody like that,” he explains. “For me there’s really no coming back from what happened.” In other words…

Pull over, guys — Izzy’s gonna puke! Live and learn, honey. Never, ever dump a good guy for “some guy with a lamp.”

The next day, Tiara sits on the beach alone, contemplating her future. “I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life,” she says forlornly. Well, you’ll always have Sheila the chicken… unless she watches this episode and sees that you let Team Bachelor talk you into consuming an entire platter of chicken wings on camera. Not sure she’ll forgive you for that, Tiara.

The “last official rose ceremony” finally arrives, and the “ladies” joining Tiara on the so-called chopping block include Shushanna, Ashley, and Jami. “I feel like this cocktail party tonight has only been designed for Wells,” says Ashley. “Because everybody else knows who they’re gonna pick.” The sought-after DJ feels “comfortable” and “lovely” with Jami, and he’s “excited” to get to know Ashley (and learn that she’s not a nutcase). As for Shushanna? Well, after assessing the situation, she decides that chasing after a guy is not her scene. “This is stupid,” she huffs, and starts stomping away from the Rose Palapa… and it works! Wells follows after her, and pulls her aside for a chat.

“I need someone who’s going to fight for me,” says Shushanna. “Not a person who is just gonna sit and wait.” It’s probably for the best — she would have eaten Wells alive and sucked the marrow from his bones. Dasvidanya, Shushanna! Somewhere there’s a wealthy businessman who will treat you like the princess you are.

On to the rose ceremony! It’s all fairly standard-issue (Josh —> Amanda; Nick —> Jen; Grant —> Lace; Evan —> Carly) until we get to Brett. Cue the needle scratch.

Sorry Lauren and Tiara — take a moment, and say your goodbyes to your free vacation. Who will be joining them on the path to spinsterhood?

Mmmmm… delicious validation. Anyhow, that means Jami will have to head home too, though Team Bachelor doesn’t even bother to show us her sad exit in the Reject Limo. There’s no time to waste! As Chris Harrison warns the group the next morning, “It’s time to put these relationships to the test.” And by “test” he means “all-expenses-paid night in a hotel with air conditioning.”

But first we have to watch the couples go through the motions of having a “serious” talk about life after Paradise. Carly can’t help but feel some PTSD about this day last year.

“If Evan did that to me, I would chop his balls off,” she notes calmly. Speaking of emasculated males, Wells is currently stressing out that Ashley will expect him to punch her Ashley’s V-card in the Fantasy Suite. “I don’t think you stay a virgin for this long… and then go one date with someone and f*** them,” he says. But Nick has the perfect counterargument: “If you take her virginity, you will be a national treasure. So there’s that.”

The peer pressure is a two-way street in Paradise. “Would you do anything in there?” Jen asks Ashley. “Would you sit on his [bleep]?” Survey says:

“I lost it to a guy named Chip,” offers Carly helpfully. “And it hurt a little bit, but after that it’s a piece of cake.”

The more Wells talks about it with the guys, though, the less interested he seems in deflowering anyone — let alone a “highly emotional” time bomb like Ashley. “The Fantasy Suite is completely off the table,” he decides at last. “If it’s all or nothing… then it’s time for me to break up with Ashley.”

You know the rules, pal. There is no casual dating in Paradise — especially during the “dramatic two-night finale.” So Wells sits Ashley down like a gentleman and explains that going into the Fantasy Suite after two dates “is against my character… and I think it’s also against yours as well.” No, dear Ashley — one night of drunken taco smooching does not a relationship make. In the real world, Wells might have asked you out on another date. In Paradise, he has one choice: “I know I gotta go.”

Bless her heart, Ashley keeps it together remarkably well, and she makes it all the way to her room before the tears start. “I know it never works out in the end,” she says sadly, before giving a round of goodbye hugs.

And with that, it’s time for all of the couples to say farewell to Paradise — and each other — and embark on their final overnight dates. Tomorrow, they must decide whether to propose, break up, or some third option that no one really wants to talk about because it’s just too wishy-washy and boring. On to the Last Chance Dates!

First up is Grant and Lace, who stroll through Sayulita doing “normal couple stuff” like taking selfies and buying friendship bracelets that say “Grace.” Oh, and of course, this:

“Lace and I have joked around before about getting ‘Grace’ tattoos,” says Grant. In keeping with the dynamic of their relationship, Grant is all gung-ho to lock things down (“I’m like, ‘Yeah, we need to do this'”) while Lace is squirrely and uncomfortable. “Maybe we should just leave right now,” she tells Grant. “I’m like really nervous right now.” To be fair, Team Bachelor has done their best to calm Lace’s fears by finding a tattoo artist, Chops, who got engaged to his wife, Tara, after 12 days. You hear that, Lace? Get in the chair!

After trying to make a run for it once, she finally submits.

Lace Morris: Making excellent life decisions on TV since January 2015.

Up next we have Jen and Nick. Putting aside the fact that we know this relationship doesn’t last — unless they’re really making some changes to how The Bachelor works — does anyone see any actual chemistry between these two? To me it seems like they’re perpetually stuck in the I-just-met-you-at-a-cocktail-party-let’s-make-awkward-small-talk phase. But maybe that’s just her flat affect… or perhaps that’s just how things work in Paradise.

Their date begins with paddle-boarding in the surf, which looks fun but is not conducive to having a serious conversation. Or any conversation, really.

“I’m in love with Nick,” says Jen, out of nowhere. “We rarely, rarely talk about our feelings for each other, but I want him to know he can trust me… He needs to know that if he doesn’t open up, he’s going to lose me.” Nick tells us he loves Jen “as a person,” but he doesn’t know if he’s “in love yet.” Spoiler alert, pal: You’re not.

Moving on to Carly and Evan’s date, which is some kind of open-air “sex art” led by a very cheerful, very buxom lady.

“Evan and I can never be normal because we’re ‘the weird couple,’ so we have to do ‘weird s***,‘” groans Carly, good-naturedly. Indeed, this activity involves stripping down to their underwear and painting with their bodies. So if you’ve ever wondered what Evan would look like stripped down to his tightie-whities and covered in paint, wonder no more.

Oh man, one more day-date to go. Team Bachelor has arranged for Josh and Amanda to crash a local kids’ soccer game… perhaps to see if he’ll lose his famous temper in front of the niños. “I love kids more than anything,” Josh tells us. “I’ve always been a big family guy my entire life.” He manages to kick the ball around a bit without losing it, and Amanda is tentatively reassured that her guy will be “a great dad.”

With the daytime activities completed, our four couples head to their respective hotels for dinner and the Fantasy Suite card reveal. Carly wants to hear “I love you” from Evan; Jen wants “answers” from Nick; Grant wants an “I love you” back from Lace; and Amanda wants some sign that introducing Josh to her kids won’t end in disaster. And by the end of the night, the tally is as follows…

Carly and Evan:

Jen and Nick:

Lace and Grant:

Amanda and Josh:

And so, rose lovers, it’s a wrap for the night. Tomorrow, the “moment of truth” — will Evan run? Will Grace implode? Will Josh get cold feet? Will Nick… oh, who are we kidding? Anyhow, tune in tomorrow, rose lovers for our final Bachelor franchise fix until 2017… Unless you count reading inevitable breakup reports a “fix”; in that case, you’ll get one way before the end of the year.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.