If you had any doubt that that every second we spend watching Bachelor in Paradise makes us exponentially dumber, I give you this week’s cold open (so to speak):
Anyhow, these brain cells are not going to kill themselves, so let’s get to this week’s action. We open with lonely heart Ashley I. trying to commiserate with fellow dumpee Joe, but he is a soulless shell of a human being and therefore can offer no words of consolation. Looks like Ashley I.’s going to have to take comfort in her home away from home: the confessional.
Could someone get her a tissue? Meanwhile, Mikey gets the next one-on-one date, so he and Juelia both do their hair and head to Guadalajara for a date. “Mikey is a better guy than Joe,” Juelia says, stating the obvious. “Mikey is a man and Joe is a boy.”
He may be a boy but Joe is playing at a man’s game: revenge. Back at basecamp, Joe’s grousing to the guys about Samantha’s betrayal, and repeating his threat to expose her “do whatever it takes” texts. But Joe’s still severely infatuated with Samantha, so at first he takes a more genial approach. “We had each other’s back, man. It’s kind of like we were Bonnie and Clyde in a weird way,” he mumbles. “I just thought that our relationship would blossom after all this.” When Samantha still won’t admit her role in all the “drama,” Joe drops the bomb.
Sam refuses to show fear, even after Joe repeats his threat. “You said it five times,” she murmurs impassively. “Thank you.” Having failed to reach a resolution, Joe and Samantha retire to separate corners of Paradise.
Speaking of retiring to their corners (see what I did there?), Mike and Juelia arrive in Guadalajara for a romantic date… watching grown men in spandex masks kick the well-choreographed crap out of each other in a lucha libre match.
Speaking of oily bodies grappling with each other (see what I did there?), it turns out this is, of course, an overnight date — and even though Chris Harrison the rarely-seen concierge has provided them with two keys, Juelia announces that she’s happy to stay in the same room with Mikey as long as he’s a “gentleman.” Awww, of course the big ol’ beefheart is going to be a gentleman! Look how daintily he’s holding that tiny little coffee cup in his big, meaty paw!
The next day, Joe’s decidied that he needs to try to smooth things over with Samantha — and not by blackmailing her into loving him. But because he’s an emotionless douchebot, he needs someone to tutor him in the ways of human feelings and grand gestures — so of course he seeks out the most emotional person in Paradise.
Indeed, Joe takes Ashley I.’s advice and decides to take Samantha’s desire for a “fresh start” literally by introducing himself to her as though they’ve never met. “So where you from, Samantha?” he drawls, but Sam just aims her Dead-Eyes Barbie stare at the inky black horizon and completely ignores him. Fortunately he’s not alone for long, as in walks his pal Justin, the not-always-well-coiffed fitness trainer from Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. And wouldn’t you know it? Justin just happens to have his eye on Samantha. Not only is she gorgeous, he explains, she’s also a “great conversator,” and of course he asks her out on the date. Oh God, what’s going to happen next?
Thanks for clearing that up, Ashley. I believe you are correct. It doesn’t help that the moment Justin announces that he’s taking Sam on a date, she pulls Joe aside to reiterate that he’s just the source of too much drama and she wants to explore her feelings for other people. “I’ve been through Hell the last two days,” giggles Sam disingenuously. (You can practically hear Carly roll her eyes from way over at the campfire. “She’s cre-a-ting the drama!” marvels the cruise-ship singer. “She obviously likes it.”)
Rather than Hulking out, though, Joe just launches himself into a shame spiral. “I don’t know why I thought… I could go for the prettiest girl in the whole world and think that she was gonna fall in love with me — because it never happens,” he says. “And it won’t ever happen for me.” Not if you keep acting like a jackass, pal.
And with that we’ve wrapped week 4, rose lovers. Have you lost the ability to read or form complete sentences yet? I’m well on my way there. Before your brain completely shuts down, let me know your thoughts about the episode. Does Joe deserve any sympathy or is he getting exactly what he deserves? Do you think Juelia and Mikey are a good match? And why the hell do none of these people wear sunscreen??
Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go conversate with my husband. Good night.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.