'The Bachelor': The 5 Most Depressing Details From ABC's New Press Release

·Editor-in-Chief, Yahoo Entertainment
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Bachelor season, isn’t it rose lovers? Two weeks ago ABC treated us to the first promo featuring new Bachelor Ben Higgins (below), and today the network is meting out a few more tantalizing details via a new press release. Oh, did I say “tantalizing”? I meant “depressing.”

Related: Fact-Checking the New ‘Bachelor’ Promo

While ABC has yet to release the names/photos of the “ladies” who will compete for Ben’s hand this season, the release does offer other nuggets of info that true Bachelor addicts (the first step is admitting you have a problem) will want to know. Let’s run through a few of the choicest/most dispiriting tidbits:

1) This season’s annoying movie tie-in is… Ride Along 2!
And I quote: “Ben’s first one-on-one date is a doozy! He and a spirited bachelorette are joined by Ice Cube and Kevin Hart — fresh from the set of “Ride Along 2,” in theaters nationwide on January 15th — who decide they know exactly what to do on this date. But will this woman roll with the punches?” I don’t know who should be more depressed about this — Kevin Hart and Ice Cube or the woman ABC chose to describe as “spirited.” We all know that’s a code word for “annoying.”

2) Filler alert: Three former Bachelors will return to offer Ben some advice.
“A trio of former Bachelors — Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Jason Mesnick —arrive at the mansion to offer Ben some words of wisdom before he starts his journey to find the love of his life. What are the do’s and don’ts on one of the most important nights of his life?” Plan those bathroom breaks now, folks.

3) Totally innocent pigs will be forced to interact with Ben and the “ladies.”
Apparently there is a place in the Bahamas called “Pig Island.” And apparently, Ben takes six women there for a group date: “Six ladies are totally surprised by the company they will keep during a day of fun and sun on Pig Island. It’s just them, the handsome Bachelor and a bunch of wild, swimming pigs!” PETA is not going to be happy.

4) There will be singing.
It wouldn’t be The Bachelor if the “ladies” weren’t compelled to perform in front of a captive audience of tourists, right? “Another dozen women attempt to impress Ben with their talents as the opening act for the versatile singer, comedian and celebrity impersonator Terry Fator at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas.”

5) Mexico’s suffering will not end with Bachelor in Paradise.
“The Bachelor escorts nine sexy señoritas on a tasty trip through Mexico City to learn about the Spanish language and the scrumptious food.” I would also like to offer my condolences to the person who had to write that sentence.

I could go on and on, rose lovers, but that’s probably enough pain for one day. See you in 2016, friends!

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 4 at 8 p.m. on ABC.