Art, entertainment, weird stuff, crazy goofs: Another classic Iron Bowl | MARK HUGHES COBB

Headed from Midtown Saturday, and flashing lights ― in front, not ohnowhatwasidoing rearview — and here rolls the Alabama football team, escorted, back from the Plains.

Bus after bus after bus after … and then an 18-wheeler for the Million Dollar Band.

I tried to wave to 'em all, thumbs up, manually-transmitted Roll Tide, but wore out before the parade faded. I've seen this procession before, but I swear it wasn't half this large.

Man would I like a peek inside those vehicles. I get the feeling they're a step or seven up from Greyhound. Back in Dothan, the Houston Academy Raiders would spring for a couple of dogs to ferry us to far out of town — more than 50 miles — games. Assuming the statute of limitations has run out, I can say that in those rumbling diesel capsules we visited Boone's Farm, and after the first three glugs, knew why to avoid Strawberry Hill like a Texas homestead owned by a guy named Leatherface.

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Those jaunts also underlined why I'd rather travel with cheerleaders than teammates, but that's another saga.

After Saturday's bang-zoom ― in which the heavy favorite narrowly avoided getting its collective butt stomped by a playing-over-its-head team; in other words, a typical Iron Bowl ― I hope those transports are swell as any rock band tour bus, minus the BO, age-curled pizza slices, and hot-and-cold-running feuds.

Typically I avoid football in this column, partly because we have a sports department, but mainly because I'm the arts and entertainment guy. But if you can't call the Nov. 25 Iron Bowl entertainment, you need to check your glasses, brain, heart, or all three.

And it was art too, from Jermaine Burton's in-bounds arabesque — I could stage a ballet using only Bama wide receivers; no need for a choreographer, just set 'em free — to the hilariously on-the-nose literary title of that bomb (if true; Nick Saban doesn't like disclosing in-house stuff) according to golden-fingers Isaiah Bond:

Gravedigger.

As a kid, grinding out made-up stories via Bic pen on notebook paper, I wrote a lot of sports- and hero-related things, because I was a kid full of beans and hadn't yet truly discovered girls. But even melodramatic 6-year-old me wouldn't have scrawled that ending, or called it Gravedigger. Too farcical.

It wasn't enough time was ticking ominously down, and that even deep in the season Bama's OC remains hilariously deluded (on a level with Bruno Kirby's comedy-vacuum Lt. Hauk from "Good Morning Vietnam") about the efficacy of up-the-gut running, as opposed to oh, going anywhere the largest and most tacklers aren't, but then a bad snap sends 'em to 4th and 31, where even this OC wouldn't call another neanderthal scrum up the middle? Then a kickoff into a scuffle, fumble on the one, and time-elapsing interception?

Over the top.

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Doesn't take a crystal ball to predict there'll be dozens more Jalens on Tide teams 18 years from now. Shiny monniker, a proven winner. Kinda like naming your kid Dolly, or Prince.

Or go all out: Jalen Tua Bryce DeVonta Bond.

In post-game remarks, Milroe was overheard ― lotta crowd noise ― saying "Give me the Heisman! Give me that (thing)!" Shortly after, he backed up, saying that was shouted in high emotion as the rollercoaster screeched to a halt. He talked growth and learning, and The Process, of course, but also chanted the mantra of a still-growing team:

Never give up. Finish.

His grin as a reporter asks "... when you released the throw, did you know it was good?" is worth watching. That's a kid luxuriating in a dream, albeit in the body of a full-grown man.

Then the best post-game Nick quote in years: "There's been some weird stuff here …. "

In related news, coach has earned a Doctorate in Understatement.

I rejoice, like all Tide faithful, but try not to gloat. Gotta draw the tackiness line. The reason I could never hate Auburn once posed under the Bear’s right arm, with photo evidence published by no less than Sports Illustrated.

Becky Sollie, my girlfriend from first to third grades at Heard Elementary, was a War Eagle fan (and later cheerleader), so I ruled out that noxious level of fanaticism early. Still, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t mind me saying an emphatic Roll Tide, even as the 2023 outcome fell on her birthday.

Afterwards, but before the procession, I let YouTube randomly pick celebration songs (as I sat earbuds in, writing something, a familiar position) in the spirit of the old Egan's, where James Brown's "I Feel Good" and The Replacements' "Bastards of Young" would blast post-win.

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The semi-boisterous, mildly eclectic setlist:

• Belly ― "Feed the Tree." Key lyric: "Big red tree grew up and out, throws up its leaves, spins 'round and 'round." That one's for Bond, and Jalen. Jalen Bond.

• The Ramones ― "Pet Sematary." Key lyric: "And the night when the moon is bright/Someone cries 'Something ain't right.' " Gotta dedicate that one to the refs.

• The Replacements ― "We'll Inherit the Earth." Key, right up front: "Shocking how nothing shocks anymore." For all the cool hands echoing The Bear, who coached 'em to "Act like you've been there before."

• Lone Justice — "Sweet Sweet Baby Mine." Key: "I'm short of breath and full of sighs/But you set my spirit soaring."Last pass … by each team.

• Soul Survivors ― "Expressway to Your Heart." Key: "I was wrong, baby, I took too long/I got caught in the rush …. Clearly for the OC.

• Otis Redding — "Try a Little Tenderness." Key: "You got to squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave…." For Jalen's "Never give up."

• The Who — "Won't Get Fooled Again." Key: Daltrey's second "YEAAAAAAAAH," backed by Moonie's thunder.For how we all ― well, Bama fans — felt in those waning seconds

• And then, just 'cause there's no place it wouldn't work, Sly and the Family Stone's "I Wanna Take You Higher."

Boom laka laka laka. Boom.

Mark Hughes Cobb is the editor of Tusk. Reach him at mark.cobb@tuscaloosanews.com.

This article originally appeared on The Tuscaloosa News: An Iron Bowl for the ages, like so many Iron Bowls | MARK HUGHES COBB