Blake Horstmann says he had a "complete breakdown" after releasing his private texts with Caelynn Miller-Keyes.
The Bachelor in Paradise star became one of the most controversial contestants ever when his Stagecoach sexcapades came to light on the show -- and things only got worse for him after he decided to defend himself from Miller-Keyes' claims about their time together by sharing their texts on Instagram.
Horstmann opened up about the decision and its aftermath onBachelor in Paradise's reunion show last Tuesday, but now he's sharing more about his choice. ET has an exclusive sneak peek at Horstmann's appearance on Wednesday's episode of Rachel Lindsay and Ali Fedotowsky's Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, in which he says that he was affected so deeply by the experience that he was, at one point, "breathing into a paper bag."
"Caelynn, you know, she used the word premeditated. And, premeditated is just a fancy way of saying I thought really hard about it, because I did. It was such a hard decision for me," Horstmann recalls. "That night, when I released those text messages, I was breathing into a paper bag. It was incredibly difficult for me."
The Colorado native confirms he did reach out to fellow Bachelor Nation stars before leaking the texts. "A lot of people, they didn’t even really say, 'No, don’t do it.' They were like 'If you do it, know what the consequences are'... and there were a few that were like, 'The things she’s saying, you have to do it. I don’t see any other choice,'" Horstmann alleges. "I wanted to see if anybody else had any other ideas. I wanted to see if there was any other avenue I could take. And at the end of the day, as hard as it was, I felt like that was the only thing I could do to get my truth out there."
"Had I known that she said I was silencing her and all of these things, I would have addressed it on the beach with her. But I had no idea she was saying those things. And, so when I watched it, I was shook... I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe she was saying the things she was saying," he explains.
Miller-Keyes claimed on Paradise's season premiere that she was under the impression that she and Horstmann were in a relationship when they hooked up at Stagecoach in April. She alleged that he told her the next morning that he had slept with Kristina Schulman the night before, was messaging other women and claimed that he asked her to lie about their hookup. The leaked texts paint a different picture, prompting fans to send hateful messages her way. She confronted Horstmann over the situation on Paradise's finale.
"One of the reasons I deleted the text messages was I was having a complete breakdown. I was breathing into a paper bag. All of a sudden, I took a step back... I was like, 'Caelynn's feeling this way, probably.' And that killed me. I was like, what I'm feeling right now, I just did to somebody else, and that hurt. And that sucked," Horstmann says on Bachelor Happy Hour. "I am sorry that it hurt her the way it did... I wish it didn't come to that."
The majority of the Paradise cast sided with Miller-Keyes at the finale. "I found out real fast who my real friends are. Sometimes Bachelor Nation, they'll say things privately. ... in public, they aren't there for you," Hostmann says. "Real fast, I found out who my real friends are, and I won't forget."
"A lot of people, not only in Bachelor Nation... if it doesn't help them in any way," he adds.
Horstmann did have the support of Schulman, who spoke with ET at the finale about why she decided to have his back. Watch below.
Horstmann's episode of Bachelor Happy Hour With Rachel & Ali debuts Wednesday.