'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 14
The real stars of American Idol have left the building along with all those pesky singers! Welcome to the final installment of Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. as they chair-bounced like crazy to make every moment of screen time count.
*The Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and, as always, can change at the drop of a mic.
KEITH URBAN
300 participation points for his signature mid-performance move: singing along from deep within his soul. (Fun fact: Keith co-wrote the lyrics to winner Trent Harmon’s coronation song, “Falling”.)
+50 for adorably bopping in place under La’Porsha Renae’s elaborate vocal spell. And what the heck: +250 for that awesome leather jacket that makes Keith look like the happiest bowling ball case in the world.
+100 for really coming alive as Trent transitioned “from voice to chest to heart” during Wednesday’s cover of Sia’s “Chandelier.”
+500 for knowing when to shut up and let the American Idol sing! Keith graciously ceded the vocal spotlight to Carrie Underwood (and those legs) during Thursday’s “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” duet.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
25 participation points for her signature mid-performance move: bouncing in chairs for boys.
-100 for leading the judges’ not so subtle endorsement of La’Porsha during Wednesday’s finals. “We actually have a battle here,” she seemed surprised to tell Trent in Round 2. “You are not just gonna lay down!” Nor was Jenny…
-1000 for eating up so much precious time during Thursday’s finale with more signature moves: proving she’s way too raunchy to be our mom…
…playing Vegas-style Peekaboo in a sea of feathers…
…and making sure Idol got its money’s worth on the set’s Master Blaster wind machine.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
-50 participation points for gracing us one last time with his signature mid-performance move: blinking to stay awake.
-10 for somehow managing to look a bit creepy (in certain moments) while crooning with a child in the name of charity.
HONORABLE MENTION: HOST RYAN SEACREST
+200 for signing off Wednesday with his signature “Seacrest out!”
+100 for gamely handling Thursday’s tense but ultimately funny encounter with embittered Season 1 cohost Brian Dunkleman.
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 14:
Keith Urban: 950
Ryan Seacrest: 300
Harry Connick Jr.: -60
Jennifer Lopez: -1075
Okay, this is it, the moment no one’s been waiting for. Time to determine the cumulative scores for the entire Farewell Season!
Drumroll, please…
Boom! Lovable doodler Keith Urban has won Judging the Judges with a stunning 7,598.7 points!
Next up: The handsome Mr. Jr. landed in second place with -2,637 points.
Preach, Kelly Clarkson. Sure, it’s only a couple thousand below 0, but make no mistake: this score is nothing to be proud of.
Last and least: Lady Featherbottom finished with a truly abysmal -4,098.5.
J. Lo is not used to losing. I wonder what she’d think of these results?
Whoa! Is this real? You’re talking to me?!
No, of course, I totally get it. We’ll just communicate through GIFs of you. I’ve got them all right here, and you better believe I’ll treasure them forever, especially the ones from that week you wore sparkly sand art as an outfit.
I love it! This is amazing. Do you have any comment on your last-place finish?
That’s fair. Please know I tried to score you guys as reasonably as possible.
No, it does! You were always acting ridiculous! J. Lo, if it weren’t for your antics, Judging the Judges wouldn’t have been nearly as nonsensical. And where would the fun be in that?
Good point. I’ll check the phone book if I ever see one again. Any final words?
Goosies on your face. Got it. Lord knows I’ll never forget ‘em.
I agree, this shtick is getting tired. There’s no need to pretend anymore.
IT’S OVER.
(Whew!)
THAT’S A WRAP on American Idol: Judging the Judges!
Congrats to each and every player on a job…
…well, done.
