In the words of Constance Langdon, this episode was everything I dreamed of, witchy-poos. That’s right, the Lady of Murder House has finally arrived in American Horror Story: Apocalypse and this is the most ambitious crossover event in history. Directed by Sarah Paulson, in her directorial debut, this episode begins with Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) and Behold Chablis (Billy Porter) posing as a married couple to buy the Murder House. Remember that last episode our Supreme, Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) sent the two to Murder House to find answers about Michael Langdon’s satanic upbringing that they could use to defeat him. I could watch an entire movie franchise based on Madison and Chablis as an odd couple because their chemistry is more electric than a clean emissions hybrid. Before they purchase the house, their real-estate agent warns them that 37 people have been murdered in the Murder House, and his agency is not responsible for any injuries or cause of death. Much like in the first season, this conversation makes me wonder how anyone in their right mind could want to live in the Murder House in the first place. I’m just throwing it out there, Vivien Harmon and the 36 other souls trapped in the home for eternity, were all dum-dums.
In fact, the only character left among the living in the Murder House, otherwise known as the Death Trap, was Billie Dean (also Sarah Paulson), “medium to the stars.” She informs Madison and Chablis that the spirits in the house can only be seen if they choose to be seen which sets the stage for our favorite ghosts in the American Horror Story canon to bless us with their sob stories. First we get Constance Langdon who welcomes us with the line, “I’m Constance Langdon, and this is my fucking house.” This is … perfect and gives me hope that one day, I can grow up to be a rude ghost.
Madison and Chablis question Constance on Michael Langdon’s (Cody Fern) origin story. But for the Grand Dame of Murder House, nothing comes for free. Instead, in exchange for Langdon’s life story, Constance requests that Madison and Chablis remove Moira O’Hara (Frances Conroy) from the premises, prompting them to find the housekeeper’s bones and bury her with her mother. This grave scene was a touching moment that made me think of my own mortality, and honestly I’m a little upset. Now that the house finally has peace and quiet, Constance reveals that she killed herself after realizing her grandson was the Antichrist. Raising a demon baby would drive me to drink too, so I get it.
Apparently, after Michael ripped his mother sideways during childbirth, Constance had spirits kill Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) so she could take full custody of the baby-demon she thought was her biological grandson via Tate Langdon (Evan Peters). Constance viewed Langdon as an opportunity for her to get another chance at motherhood, although after the baby killed a couple of pets, babysitters, and priests, she realized she was “put on this Earth to raise monsters.” Now, why this white woman did not immediately go to the authorities when she thought she had a little Teddy Bundy on her hands is beyond me.
For the record, Constance’s planting rosebuds over the corpses Michael collected is not the type of community policing that works. His garden variety serial-killer issues came to a head when Michael aged an entire decade overnight and tried to kill Constance in her sleep. This is when Constance knew her gig was up and decided to drink herself into oblivion rather than give any man the satisfaction of control over her. It does not like have to be like this people, this is a dangerous binary! There’s got to be a happy medium between raising a demon baby and overdosing on pills and potion. Nevertheless, Constance rejoined the other spirits in the Murder House acting as a mother to them in the afterlife. We even get a glimpse of Constance’s fourth child, a daughter whose eyes were gouged out.
At this moment, Ben reappears double clicking his mouse (read: penis) as he cries while staring out the window. He is literally a tearjerker! Ben explains to Madison and Chablis that once Constance abandoned Michael, he tried to nurture him as any father would. It kind of worked, that is until Tate with his teenage angst told Michael, the satanic version of Tom Hanks’ Big, that he was an evil monster. This hurt Michael’s feelings and pushed him over the edge. Prompting him to stab new homeowners in the head and burn their spirits. You see, the thing about Michael is he doesn’t just murder bodies, he destroys their soul. And, this is all the proof I need that he’s the Antichrist. Mission accomplished! Time to tell Cordelia before the impending apocalypse.
Well … actually not so fast, because Vivien has to quote the book of Revelations likening Michael to the biblical prophecy of The Beast. She remembers that the house was always sweltering hot when he was home … hot like HELL. Also, as soon as Michael got stronger in his powers, a murder of crows would encircle the compound. I don’t want to point out the obvious here but MURDER of crows? MURDER house? There clearly is some MURDER afoot. Turns out the Murder House was built over the portal to hell. Whoops.
At this point, we get the explanation for how Ms. Mead becomes Michael’s foster mother. Apparently, a trio of satanists swing by the Murder House to show Michael his true power. This prompts them to find an innocent girl to victimize. And this is why we don’t hitchhike, folks. It always ends with a cult of devil-worshipers sacrificing you to their dark lord and ripping out your heart. Every. Single. Time. Langdon eats this innocent girl’s heart like a certain peach and his demon shadow spreads its wings. The real insult is that it’s only after all this that Vivien makes the decision to kill him. Girl … where were you when he was skinning Ratatouille? Talk about absentee parenting, Vivien was about as emotionally unavailable as every boyfriend I’ve ever had. Tate stopped her from killing the Antichrist because obviously that’s an impossible task by a woman in a Lisa Rinna Duster. Langdon disappears and we find out that his father isn’t Ben or Tate … it’s THE DARKNESS ITSELF. Yup, called it. This was as plain to see as Tate’s roots.
Madison races out of the Murder House, ready to tell Cordelia that the man the warlocks put their hopes into is literally the Antichrist. Before she leaves, Madison helps Violet (Taissa Farmiga) reconcile with Tate by informing her that Tate wasn’t the real evil, he was just a vessel to create something worse. This allows Violet and Tate to spend the rest of eternity in love. Much like I am in love with this terrifying, incredible episode directed by Sarah Paulson and written by Crystal Liu. Until next time!
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