Allison Holker opens up about Stephen Boss' death: 'No one had any inking that he was low'

Allison Holker Boss is remembering "the little things" she misses most about her late husband Stephen 'tWitch' Boss'.

"Stephen would hold my back every time I walked past him," the 35-year-old told People in an interview published Tuesday, opening up for the first time since the dancer, DJ and co-host of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" died in December. Holker is also scheduled to appear on the "Today" show Wednesday in an interview with Hoda Kotb.

"We'd have so many random conversations, and there was so much laughter," she said. "Our love was so real and so loud. We always told people our house was like a choreographed dance."

Boss was 40 when he died by suicide at a hotel in December, according to a report from the Los Angeles medical examiner. He was known as "tWitch" on DeGeneres' long-running syndicated daytime talk show. He joined the show as a guest DJ in 2014 before becoming a permanent fixture and later being named the show's co-executive producer in 2020. "Ellen" ended its 19-year run last May.

Stephen 'tWitch' Boss: Dancer and 'Ellen DeGeneres Show' DJ, dies at 40

Holker also spoke about grappling with the circumstances of her husband's death. "No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know," the dancer said. "He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector."

She revealed she's struggled in the wake of his death. "It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment (he died)," she said.

The mom to three shared that she's been navigating plenty of tough emotions and has had a hard time understanding her purpose. But she believes she's finding her way to her right path after a conversation with her friend Andy Grammer.

"I expressed to him, 'How am I going to still live out what I know is my purpose — love and joy — and has always been my family's purpose?'" she said.

Gap ad: Stephen 'tWitch' Boss' posthumous campaign 'brought tears' to widow Allison Holker

Grammer, she said, reminded her that that still is her purpose - it just might look a bit different from before. Their discussion is helping her to move forward.

Holker has launched a foundation based in Los Angeles called "Move With Kindness" with a mission to carry on Boss' legacy: The fund's aim is to spread love and mental health awareness.

On the foundation's website, Holker and her children invite visitors to donate in honor of their father. Holker and Boss shared a son Maddox, 7, and a daughter Zaia, 3. Holker also has a 14-year-old daughter, Weslie Fowler, from a previous relationship, who Boss adopted.

"We always hear, 'Reach out to the strongest people,' and I believe in that. But I also want the messaging to be that if you're feeling low or depressed, it's okay to lean on someone else," she said in the People interview. "Trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."

While the nature of Boss' struggles remain unclear to the public, mental health professionals say his death represents a sobering reality: Black men in particular have been taught that expressing mental health struggles is a sign of weakness.

"For Black men, there's a lot of pressure to be less vulnerable, to always show strength, to never show people that things are getting to you, because that strength has also been a tool or a skill that many people have had to develop in order to make it through very difficult circumstances," Moe Ari Brown, a marriage and family therapist, told USA TODAY in December.

"There has been this commentary that's unanimous about how (Boss) embodied love and joy, but you can't always assume that everyone is OK," Brown added. "We don't always think that these societal pressures or the systemic problems that tend to impact the majority of a group are still going to impact that person. Sometimes that smile might be a mask for pain."

More: Stephen 'tWitch' Boss' death and Black men's mental health during the holidays

Contributing: Elise Brisco, Erin Jensen and Edward Segarra

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Allison Holker recalls 'real' love with Stephen Boss in new interview