Alec Baldwin Roast: The 27 Darkest Jokes (Mostly About Caitlyn Jenner)
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The best way to sum up Sunday’s Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin is with these words from Baldwin’s daughter Ireland: “I actually have a lot in common with the people on this roast because, like them, I don’t really know you that well.”
Seriously, we’re used to seeing a few puzzling faces on these specials — is anyone actually friends with Jeff Ross, for example? — but Baldwin’s dais was truly a mixed bag of nuts, including everyone from A-listers like Robert De Niro to E!-listers like Caitlyn Jenner. And they all gave it to him good.
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Below, we round up some the most outrageous digs from Comedy Central’s two-hour “tribute” to the man formerly known as Jack Donaghy:
* Roastmaster Sean Hayes (no, seriously!) established an appropriately high-brow tone with a series of, well, dick, jokes: “No offense, Blake [Griffin], but I’m a better ball handler than you. And Caitlyn Jenner is here. I can’t believe you’re here. Wow. You’ve got balls, girl. Caitlyn, being here tonight is braver than anything you’ve ever done. But don’t worry, any parts you don’t like can be cut.”
* Hayes then referenced the roast’s noticeable lack of 30 Rock actors, joking that he wasn’t Comedy Central’s original choice to host: “Even Tracy Morgan said, I’d rather go shopping at Walmart with the Walmart driver who hit me.” (Yikes.)
* Nikki Glaser also took some shots at Caitlyn Jenner after reminding the crowd of her past as an Olympian. “People forget how fast you ran… from your first family to film a reality show.” She then questioned why Jenner insists on being a Republican, asking, “What does that party have to do to lose your support — be your son?”
* Then she got really dark, telling Robert De Niro, “I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you. And by this stage, I mean the final stage of your life.”
* And there were plenty of jokes made about the infamous voicemail Baldwin left for Ireland — you know, the one where he called her a “rude, thoughtless little pig” when she was only 11 years old. “Don’t worry, nothing said tonight will be more offensive than what you left on your daughter’s voicemail,” Hayes said in his opening monologue. Ireland later said she almost didn’t know this roast was happening, because she hasn’t checked her voicemail in 12 years. Watch footage of Ireland’s awkward set below:
* Saturday Night Live‘s Chris Redd used his time at the podium to genuinely take Jenner to task for her questionable politics: “You goddamn hypocrite. You’re against gay marriage, you voted for Trump — you’re like the Auntie Tom of the trans community. You did open the door for trans people, but then you ran in and slammed that s–t behind your flat ass.”
* For what it’s worth, Jenner attempted to make good by closing her set with this message: “I’m a person trying to figure out my life, just like everyone else. All I want is for future generations of transgender people to know that if I can find the courage to be who I am, you can too. If you have a problem with that, you can suck my d–k… if you can find it!” Watch part of her set below:
* The most uncomfortable set came courtesy of Adam Carolla, who delivered a rant about “social justice warriors”: “You people can blow me, you p–sy f–k sticks. This is a roast. Comedians need a place where they can be offensive without bulls–t fake outrage. You hashtag heroes, you already ruined the Oscars! You’re all woke and no joke. So, if you were offended by anything said tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the f–k up. This is our safe space, bitches.”
* And the most disturbing exchange occurred between De Niro and Jenner. “There’s something different about you,” he said, “but I can’t quite put my finger in it.” Then came Jenner’s excited reply, “Yes, you can!”
Other notable one-liners…
* Hayes to Baldwin: “This will be the funniest thing you’ve ever been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”
* Glaser to Ross: “You look like if Popeye only ate Popeyes.”
* Griffin to Hayes: “I’m not going to stand here and run a bunch of hackneyed gay jokes into the ground. I’m not Will & Grace.”
* “Chris Redd looks like a police sketch of someone doing blackface.” — Griffin
* Hayes introducing Caroline Rhea: “Remember the hot aunt from Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Well, we got the other one.”
* “Hayes is going to be difficult to top, but plenty of men have managed to do it.” — Caroline Rhea
* “Alec, where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!” — Rhea
* “Her daughter Kylie sold a billion dollars worth of makeup, and [Caitlyn’s] wearing all of it tonight.” — Hayes
* “Alec’s wife is so young, he introduces them as ’23 and me.'” — Ken Jeong
* “It hasn’t been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star… but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.” — Ireland Baldwin
* Ireland to Baldwin: “Before I leave, I’d like to say something you never said to me, ‘Goodnight.'”
* “I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here tonight, but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger.” — Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
* Hayes introducing De Niro: “He’s got two Oscars, and his balls are nominated for a SAG Award.”
* “What the f–k am I doing here?” — De Niro
* Ross to Carolla: “You have to own up to it. You said women aren’t funny. But they are. And you should have hired some of them to write your jokes tonight.”
* Ross to Jenner: “How can someone who chooses to be a woman vote against a woman’s right to choose?”
* Baldwin to Griffin: “You’re a remarkable man, Blake. I wish we were as close as your eyes are.”
* Baldwin to Carolla: “You may have a vineyard, but you do most of your white whining on your podcast.”
If you watched Baldwin’s roast, what were your favorite moments? And which roaster is your personal MVP? Cast your vote below, then drop a comment with your thoughts on the night.
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