Adam Sandler roasts Timothée Chalamet, Ben Stiller in speech his daughters 'wrote'

When Adam Sandler accepted a Performer Tribute honor at the Gotham Awards last night in New York City, he claimed his teenage daughters Sadie and Sunny wrote his speech — with the caveat that he read it in "that goofy Southern accent that you always do your dumb speeches in."

Sandler, being the sporting dad he is, agreed, and slipped effortlessly into character to reflect on his career, stick it to longtime friend Rob Schneider, and thank his wife for putting up with his mood swings. Watch the full video of his speech above.

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"Dear well-dressed dignitaries, highly-educated hipsters, and various other plus-ones of The Gotham Awards, thank you for giving our daddy, Mr. Adam Sandler, this prestigious lifetime, all-time, primetime, G.O.A.T. achievement Tribute Award," Sandler, 56, began.

"It means a lot to him seeing that most of the awards on his trophy shelf are shaped like popcorn buckets, blimps, or fake mini-Oscars that say 'Father of the Year', which he sadly purchased himself while wandering in a self-pitying fog through the head shops of Times Square."

Sandler then explained why his daughters did not attend the awards: "I don't want to spend the whole night that's supposed to be about me and my greatness listening to you two newly pubertized buffoons screaming, 'Where is Timothée Chalamet?'"

In the speech, Sandler, or rather his daughters (allegedly) wrote that they would instead be free to do all the things they can't do when he's home, such as eat his Yodels, try out his Spanx, or "dare we say, laugh out loud at Ben Stiller movies."

"The last time daddy caught us chuckling away at the Meet the Parents trilogy," Sandler said, "he immediately stormed into the room he calls The Screaming Room, which we just call the shower, and bellowed out the phrase, 'Only The Sandman makes people laugh. F--- every other comedian.'"

He went on to state that his film career was formed by two guiding principles ("People in prison need movies too, and TBS needs content to show between all them f---ing basketball games"), before rattling off a few of his hit comedies, including Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, and The Waterboy.

His daughters apparently refer to 1999's Big Daddy as the movie with the "little cutie who grows up to be Cole and Dylan Sprouse," though Sandler prefers to describe it as "the movie that paid for this f---ing house and your grandma's house and your other f---ing grandma's house, Rob Schneider's f---ing house, and your braces, and Rob Schneider's f---ng braces."

After touting some of his critically-acclaimed indie films, which are more The Gotham Award's speed, such as Punch-Drunk Love, The Meyerowitz Stories, Uncut Gems, and his recent Netflix basketball dramedy Hustle — which he is campaigning for this awards season —Sandler/his daughters thanked his wife for putting up with his "crazy f---ing mood swings all these years."

"Now that truly," he concluded, "is a feat deserving of a lifetime achievement award."

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