Any 4th of July Cocktail That's Not Just Watermelon + Booze Is Too Damn Much
This summer is a hot one. It's steamy and sticky, and it's only July 3. No matter how dearly you'd like to stick a bag of frozen peas on the back of your neck, close your eyes, and move no more than three centimeters to the right or left for the entirety of the long holiday weekend, there's requisite partying to do. Even more pressing if you're hosting a July Fourth shindig yourself. And so, with sluggishness in your veins and weariness in your brain, don't kill yourself making cool cocktails for your guests. Instead, buy a watermelon.
If there was ever a fruit that represented American summers, it's the watermelon. The cutting of a summer watermelon is a quintessential American rite of passage, whisking you from a busy June to a sleepy, sun-stroked July. If you don't have watermelon on hand while watching fireworks, are you even an American? A watermelon is also the easiest cocktail mixer you could hope for, outside of buying four liters of club soda. It's festive and flavorful, and just the right amount of impressive to make your guests think you actually tried for them, which you didn't (at all!).
Here's what you do:
Buy watermelons.
Scoop out the innards and blend them on high until they're uniform in consistency.
Strain out the pulpier stuff.
Put the juice in a cool tankard or a bowl (chilled is best).
Get a ladle.
Dredge up every old bottle of liquor you want to get rid of and put it on the table next to your watermelon juice. Gin, tequila, vodka, bourbon-they'll all taste good, picky drinkers be damned.
If you're up to it, add a bottle of smoked chili bitters and freshly sliced limes.
Walk away. Don't look back.
The watermelon booze buffet is fun, because it allows your guests to experiment with DIY cocktail prep. They'll remember your party as "that party with the awesome watermelon drinks." It'll clean out all those half-drunk bottles you no longer want. If you think you might run out, just hack open another watermelon. And it tastes really, really good-fresh, flavorful, and summer-y. Seriously, no one's hankering for complex creations involving multiple citrus juices, three types of bitters, and a bottle of high-end whiskey. The time and place for that is not now. It's too hot.
You're buying watermelons anyway, because America, and isn't it more rewarding to get tipsy off of drinking them? At the end of the party, you'll be left with watermelon rinds, empty booze bottles, and happy guests. All of them will be out of your house by the morning.
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