33 Of The Best Ron Swanson Quotes

Hugh Scott

May 14, 2024 at 10:30 AM

It's not just steak, scotch, and woodworking.

Well I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things, or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.

Please talk more about how you hate Europe and Bicycles.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Capitalism is the only way… It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

I’m impressed with Andy, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Reminds me of a young me. I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks I was running the floor. Child Labor Laws are ruining this country.

I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.

You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Give 100 percent. One-hundred-and-ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.

I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.

I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

I love Food and Stuff. It’s where I buy all my food… and most of my stuff.

History began July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

The Human Resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees. The rules do not specify whether or not I am allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.

Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies'. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

It's not just steak, scotch, and woodworking.

Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation is a simple man. Or at least, that's what he would have you believe. While the show had amazing cast members and even more amazing guests, the head of the parks department, played by Nick Offerman, has some of the funniest and most ridiculous lines. From words of advice to cutting insults, his quotes are some of the best from the show, so here are some of our favorite Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Rec.

NBC

From words of advice to cutting insults, his quotes are some of the best from the show, so here are some of our favorite Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Rec.

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33 Of The Best Ron Swanson Quotes

It's not just steak, scotch, and woodworking.

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