32 Tweets About Married Life That Will Have You Laughing In Agreement

My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.

— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018

Me from my coffin to my husband: “Did you take out the recycling?”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 8, 2018

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018

Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.

Don’t tell me the spark is gone.

— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 28, 2018

Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?

Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2018

My wife cleaned the house all day and now we have to go live in a hotel.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 6, 2018

Relationship status: I explained every episode of a Netflix series to my wife after she said she didn’t want to watch it with me.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 4, 2018

[cleaning out our bedroom]

Me: Half of this stuff is junk we don't need.

Wife: The other half is mine.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2018

What makes marriage so different from being single is that when you need emotional support, you have someone right there to tell you to stop talking during their favorite show.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 1, 2018

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice.

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 7, 2018

I don’t even know the difference between a crockpot and an instapot and they’re still letting me keep my husband and children

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 27, 2018

Always be tolerant of your wife’s flaws because if she didn’t have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband.

— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) December 19, 2017

[struggling to hold on to 17 boxes of Girl Scout cookies]

Husband: Why so many?
Me: Well, the Samoa box is for you & the rest are for me.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 26, 2017

Being a husband is understanding that you can and will get into trouble for something you said in your wife’s dream

— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 19, 2018

The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.

— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018

*Sees husband and wife neighbor arguing in their driveway*

Husband: “We shouldn’t be watching them like this.”

Me: “You’re right.” [Goes in house and returns with popcorn and lawn chair.]

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 5, 2018

In my town husbands are legally required on Facebook to write a long mushy declaration of love to their wife on her birthday.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 24, 2018

Wife - What are you doing?
Me - Doctor said I should eat three eggs a day.
Wife - I doubt he meant Reese's Eggs.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2018

My wife said I can’t complain about my bad back if I’m not going to do anything about it so I saw a doctor and now I can’t wait to complain.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 3, 2018

The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each other’s suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching “Chopped” reruns.

— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 9, 2018

Wife and I have reached that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so achy.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 9, 2017

Wife: *hoarsely* I'm losing my voice.

Me: I guess you can't yell at me anymore.

Wife:

She's scarier when she's quiet.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2018

Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.

If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 26, 2018

How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2014

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

My wife just shushed me while watching "Diners, Drive-ins & Dives."

— Rhea Butcher 🇵🇷 (@RheaButcher) April 1, 2017

Wife just said "burgs" instead of "burgers" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved.

— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) February 23, 2016

“How much did that cost?”
“I got a good deal on it.”

- married couples

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 24, 2018

Thank you for cleaning the kitchen, but you didn't do it right.

~Another love note for my husband

— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 24, 2018

My wife wants to buy an organizer for our wrapping paper, it sounds made up but it’s making her happy

— The Dad (@thedad) March 6, 2018

[paint store]

WIFE: Which color do you like?
ME: Either one.
WIFE: Help me decide.
ME: They’re both nice.
WIFE: C’mon.
ME: It doesn’t matter to me.
WIFE: Pick one.
ME: Whatever makes you happy.
WIFE: There’s no wrong answer.
ME: Okay, THAT one.
WIFE: Really? That one’s awful!

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 9, 2018

I used to be happily married...but then we went furniture shopping together.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 8, 2018

Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you can’t hear the TV while they’re making you a fruit smoothie.

— rule follower (@ericsshadow) February 25, 2018