32 Of Ted Lasso's Funniest Lines

Masterminded by SNL alum and comedy legend Jason Sudeikis, Ted Lasso proved itself as a one-of-a-kind comedy over the course of its three seasons. The characters all had their own senses of humor, and the beating heart of the show revolved around the titular character’s optimism and unique outlook on life. When you mix all of that together you end up with an endless list of wonderfully funny quotes from the show, however, today we’re only going to go through 32 of them.

“If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later.” -Ted Lasso

After Ted meets Rebecca and she says that “Ms. Welton” is her “father,” Ted was not quite sure how to take his new boss’s comment. So, with his Southern charm, he responded in the only way he knew how: funnily addressing both possible outcomes of Rebecca’s quippy line.

“I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.” -Keeley Jones

I don’t think there’s much like meeting someone for the first time and having them beatbox at you. In the first episode of Ted Lasso, that’s exactly what happened to Keeley when she met the new coach. Of course, it got even funnier when you realized that he only started beatboxing because she had asked if he tweeted, and he responded by saying no, but he could do this.

“I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right. It’s horrible.” -Ted Lasso

Now, Ted might be known for his poignant life lessons, optimistic outlook, and kindness. However, one thing he’s not afraid to diss is tea. The man can’t get behind the beloved hot beverage, and he’s not afraid to make his grievances known, as he did in this fantastic quote.

“I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.” -Roy Kent

At one point, Ted was attempting to prove to Roy that Alfonso Ribeiro is the “greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries,” because of how iconic the Carlton dance is. In response, Brett Goldstein’s character reacted the same way Keeley reacted to Ted's beatboxing, which was warranted and very funny.

“It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.” -Ted Lasso

When Roy learned about AFC Richmond’s love-life support group, The Diamond Dogs, he was disgusted, as you’d expect from the gumbly guy. However, Ted’s response made the whole interaction even better when he likened the crew of coaches – and Higgins – to the group of people at a hip-hop concert who aren’t waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

“I forget how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war.” -Jamie Tartt

There’s a very nice moment in Season 3 where Jamie tries to hug Roy and fails. Despite Phil Dunster and Brett Goldstein sharing a deep love and friendship in real life, on screen, it takes a while for their characters to warm up to each other. And that’s greatly illustrated by Roy saying Jamie came at him “too fast,” and the footballer responded by making fun of his coach’s age.

"I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we." -Ted Lasso

In the episode “Rainbow,” Ted tries to woo Roy back to AFC Richmond by taking inspiration from some of the best rom-coms. While Roy hates every second of it, it does work, proving that the coach’s belief in Rom-communism is real, and it works.

“Coach, I’m me. Why would I want to be anything else?” -Jamie Tartt

Back in the day, before I liked Jamie Tartt, I was typically quite annoyed by him. However, when asked if he’d rather be a lion or a panda, he responded with this genius line which gave him a few points. However, I didn’t fully come around to the self-assured footballer until Season 3.

“Coach, I got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. Hey, I’ve never said that while not in Kansas before.” -Ted Lasso

We love a Wizard of Oz reference, and since Ted and Coach Beard are, in fact, from Kansas, this line was perfect for when they touched down in London and went to see the Tower Bridge.

“I would like to see a tulip…No, no, just one tulip. An entire field would be incredibly overwhelming.” -Dani Rojas

While Jamie and Roy were off riding bikes and Ted was on a spiritual journey with barbecue sauce, the rest of the team was trying to figure out what to do with their time in Amsterdam. Dani’s suggestion was to see one tulip. No, not a field of tulips, that would be “incredibly overwhelming.” He simply wanted to see a single tulip.

"Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself." -Ted Lasso

During his first press conference, the journalists all found out Ted wasn’t exactly football savvy. While he knows American football, soccer was not his thing. So, when the conference broke into chaos, one reporter asked the coach if he could even name a footballer, and Jason Sudeikis’ character responded in a very funny, yet clueless, way.

“Does my face look like it’s in the mood for shape-based jokes?”  -Roy Kent

You know, I don’t think Roy is ever in the “mood for shape-based jokes.” However, I’m happy he clarified. What makes this line even funnier is it was Goldstein’s character’s response to Ted telling him that he was stuck in “life’s most complicated shape,” a love triangle.

“I need to reapply my lip liner. Men don’t know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.” -Rebecca Welton

When Rebecca told Keeley about a code word for when you need to use the bathroom, she not only gave people great life advice, she also provided us with a very smart and hilarious line.

“I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.” -Roy Kent

“WHISTLE!” is what our favorite guy Roy Kent yells every time he needs to get the team's attention, because he doesn’t want to use a real whistle. The reasoning, you might ask? Well, it’s because he’s “sensitive to impure metals,” obviously.

“Remember, it’s just poop-eh. Let it flow.” -Jamie Tartt

Phil Dunster said his favorite word to say as Jamie was “poop-eh,” and how could it not when it’s part of a brilliant line like this? On top of this being a turning point for the character, it was also a funny line that highlighted Jamie’s Mancunian accent in a fun and silly way.

“This isn’t black. This is dark heather charcoal.” -Roy Kent

Roy Kent is not one to wear color, however, never say he wears just black. The guy is a fan of nuanced dark color palettes, as illustrated by this quote.

"One more person says something that me and Beard don't understand, I'm gonna have one of my son's classic temper tantrums.” -Ted Lasso

Out of context, this quote is funny because seeing a grown man throw a fit like an 8-year-old is quite amusing. However, in context, it gets even better. That’s because Ted gets all riled up because the team was talking about the cursed treatment room and he has no idea about the lore.

“Howdy, y’all cowboys. My name is Ted Lasso and I’m from Kansas. Pow! Pow! Pow!” -Roy Kent

Roy doesn’t strike me as a man who does impressions, and he proved that when he attempted, and failed, at impersonating Ted. The begrudging player was working very hard to not like his new coach, and at one point he was so fed up with him that he did this wild impersonation of him at Keeley.

“Caesar you later.” -Higgins

When Ted slams back into a room to recognize a pun, you know you’ve made it. That’s exactly what happened to Higgins at this moment when he mentioned that he was getting Caesar salads with the coach, and when Ted started leaving he quipped the brilliant line above.

"Well, fellas, if you're looking for a pep talk from me, you're in trouble. 'Cause I'm like Michael Flatley at 11:59 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day, I'm tapped out." -Ted Lasso

Long-winded puns and jokes are Ted’s thing, and this is a fabulous example of that. Not to mention, he went out with a bang because this was how he started his last speech as the coach of AFC Richmond during the Season 3 finale of Ted Lasso. However, while he claimed to be “tapped out,” he really wasn’t, because, at halftime of this match, he gave a lovely speech to his team.

“God bless me, everyone.” -Jamie Tartt

You have to give Jamie his props for having so much self-confidence. While it’s a bit much at times, it’s also hilarious, especially when we’re graced with lines like this one from Season 2’s holiday special.

“Football is life!” -Dani Rojas

Coming in hot, running onto the pitch, human golden retriever Dani Rojas bolted into his introduction singing, yelling his name, running in circles and enthusiastically saying the line that would become his catchphrase: “Football is life!”

"I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves. You know?" -Ted Lasso

While they actually deal with a curse and maybe ghosts later in Season 1, metaphorically speaking, Rebecca asked Ted early on if he believes in ghosts. Then, in the most on-brand way, the coach responded by saying he does, and more importantly, those spirits need “to believe in themselves.”

“Oh, god. Did we really make Michael Jordan cry?” -Rebecca Welton

Listen, what happened to the late greyhound Earl is not a laughing matter. However, the damage control afterward was quite funny, and as Rebecca started coming to terms with the PR disaster that was ahead of them she recited this great line about the iconic Michael Jordan crying meme.

“No Fight Club!” -Coach Beard

After AFC Richmond had a rough game, the team got a little aggressive with each other. When Jamie and Roy started to fight, Ted broke it up, and when he asked Beard what the first rule of his fight club was, Brendan Hunt’s assistant coach yelled the slightly modified Fight Club quote above.

"I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it; otherwise, they get lost. That was a branding joke. If we were in Kansas right now, I'd just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing." -Ted Lasso

When Rebecca told Ted she had to go to a branding meeting, the coach made a joke that would have gone over so well with a group of farmers. However, with the owner of the team…not so much. Honestly, the joke bombing and Ted’s explanation after made it even better.

“Old people are so wise. They're like tall Yodas.” -Jamie Tartt

After Jamie was voted off a reality show, he was a bit lost and he went to Ted to ask for a place back on that team. During that conversation, the beloved bartender, Mae, gave the player some advice, and he gave her this very odd yet sweet compliment.

“Hi. Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman.” -Keeley Jones

Roy and Keeley are so sweet together, and one of their silliest yet genuine moments came when she forced him to do a press conference for only her, and she bounced around the room slating herself as Keeley Jones from some sort of Independent Woman publication and asking him questions about their first date.

"You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't wanna hear it. All right?" -Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso, king of getting people to think positively and highly of themselves, really came through for Roy with this honestly wild, yet impactful line. I write this because, yes, I never want to hear Woody Allen play the clarinet, and it does illustrate just how awful beating yourself up sounds and is.

“You got the boot from putting boots in the boot.” -Coach Beard

Ted and Beard love to give each other little riddles, and after Ted said:

Coach Beard responded with the line above which is redundant in the funniest and most clever way.

“That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman. I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I started sweating.” - Keeley Jones

Back before Keeley and Rebecca were besties, Juno Temple’s character was both in awe of and intimidated by Hannah Waddingham’s. Who can blame her? She is indeed a “very tall woman,” who can be intimidating when she needs to, and it’s one of the reasons why we love her so much.

"All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen." -Ted Lasso

This is maybe the best and most creative workout advice I’ve read. We all likely know what day-old rice tastes like if it’s cold, and the answer is bad and weird. Well if your body is not stretched and warmed up before a physical activity you will likely be bad and weird at whatever it is you’re doing.

From Ted’s cheesy and sincere advice to Roy and Jamie’s snarky and hysterical comments, and so much more, the funniest quotes from Ted Lasso really run the gamut and clearly show why this comedy is so beloved.