32 Hilarious Norm Macdonald Quotes

Norm Macdonald was never the most popular guy with audiences. He was fired from Saturday Night Live. His various movies and sitcoms often under-performed. Many of his friends and fellow stand-up comedians were able to book much larger venues and likely make a lot more money than he did, but yet, when he tragically passed away, the outpourings of memories and support from those he touched were as loud as you'd see for some of the most famous celebrities in the world.

I think it's because he saw life in a completely original way, and while his jokes didn't always broadly connect with huge groups of fans, they often had a more profound effect on a smaller group of people. If you didn't catch Norm Macdonald on a TV show or at your local club, you couldn't just go see someone else and get the gist. He was always his own person with his own take on life and his own pace at which he went about things. So, let's celebrate that unique legacy with some of his best quotes...

"When I was in school, I would get infuriated. I would do something in English, and I would get a B or something, and then I’d get so mad because it was just the guy’s opinion. But in math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it."

The best part about the above quote is that it actually was in reference to sports gambling. Norm famously loved to gamble, and during an interview ahead of a show in Las Vegas, he used the above quote to explain why he was so drawn to gambling and so repulsed by other, more subjective activities, which is an outrageous point of view given he chose comedy as his career.

"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny."

Most comedians do whatever they can to get a laugh from the audience. They cater their style and presentation to what's working. Not Norm. Sometimes he would repeat a joke if it bombed on Weekend Update and make everyone sit in that uncomfortable silence. One time at The Comedy Central Roast Of Bob Saget, he exclusively performed corny jokes from a book on comedy his dad gave him from the '40s. The other comedians loved it. The audience did not.

"I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical."

A lot of comedians and people super into comedy connected with Norm because he talked about the artform in a really analytical way. He thought about it how college professors think about the subjects they teach. One time when talking to Howard Stern, he mentioned one of his all-time favorite Weekend Update jokes was one where he simply repeated the same sentence twice in a row with a different inflection.

"All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money."

To paraphrase This Is Spinal Tap, Norm lived in that space between stupid and clever. Sometimes the most profound and funny things he said were so blunt they were like observations a child would make.

"It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.'"

I say this with lots of love in my heart, but even by low the standards of bad comedian actors, Norm was bad at acting. There are times in Dirty Work and Screwed where I'm pretty positive he's being intentionally bad on purpose but in a weird self-aware, winking at the audience kind of way. I love it, but many critics and viewers do not.

"Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them."

If anyone is an expert on dogs, it's Norm Macdonald. He played one in Doctor Doolittle. Also, this is another example of one of those Norm Macdonald jokes that is such an obvious observation it wraps around the other way and feels profound-- like something Forrest Gump would say.

"They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs."

Sometimes you think you know what direction a Norm joke is going in. Then suddenly, you're laughing about something entirely different and surprised about how you even got there. Also, this jokes hits confusingly for me because I'm afraid of heights.

He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, "Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one."

There was no topic off-limits for Norm. He liked putting people in weird mental places, and his comedy often mined human failures and discomfort for subject matter.

In the old days, they'd go, "Hey, that old man died." Now, they go, "Hey, he lost his battle." That's no way to end your life, you know? What a loser that guy was. Last thing he did was lose.

There's not much more important in life than perspective. Norm was all about getting people to question their outlooks and the things they took as accepted facts. In this case, it's an interesting observation about how euphemisms are sometimes a lot more offensive if you really think about them.

"Being alive is great, you can eat at Denny's, you can wear a hat whenever you want to, it's wonderful."

Life is absolutely fantastic because of the little things, and Norm was absolutely fantastic because he could use these blunt references to ordinary stuff to make us appreciate things in a new way. It is cool that we can all do whatever we want.

"Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny."

I like this joke because when it first starts, you think it's going to be targeted at women but instead winds up swinging harder at handsome men. It's also, like many other Norm quotes, an observation about comedy and laughter.

"I wouldn't call myself a fan of Steampunk. But I will say, it's the healthiest way to prepare punk."

Technically this one was said by comedian Bobby Lee after Norm handed him a card to read, but we'll give Norm the credit, especially because it's a great example of a totally random Norm joke without any set-up needed.

“I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything.”

This is one of those quotes that's funny but also kind of a sad realization. Norm liked living in that space too. He was able to bring comedy out of the sober realities of life and do it in a way that almost made you feel amused by our collective plight.

In my opinion if you're going to fight the War On Terror, a good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses!

Other comedians might tackle The War On Terror with some political commentary. Not Norm. He knows the real villain is those darn haunted houses. Always will be too.

"Why is taking no pleasure out of things I used to enjoy a sign of depression? Maybe I'm just finally sick of crayoning."

One of the best things about Norm is how carefully his jokes were written. His delivery may have given people the sense he was just winging it, but often times every little word was carefully constructed to be as humorous as possible, which we can see here with 'crayoning.'

"Well, it is finally official. Murder is legal in the state of California."

It wouldn't be a Norm Macdonald list if we didn't get at least one of his Weekend Update jokes about OJ Simpson in. This is the one he opened his segment with immediately after the ex-NFL player was found not guilty, and it, along with many other OJ jokes, allegedly led to his firing.

"You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, 'Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?' And you go, 'Yes.' In the back of your head, you're like, 'What in the heck am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie'."

I think we've all been here, where we make a comment almost reflexively and are immediately confused about why we even said it. Leave it to Norm to extract the comedy from lying to people.

"Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.”

Norm was a big gambler throughout his life, and he was also never shy about poking fun at himself or his own issues. So, he wrote about gambling extensively in his book (which is a really weird read), and made plenty of jokes about other people's thoughts about his gambling.

"It says here in this history book that luckily, the good guys have won every single time. What are the odds?"

Every time this joke is posted somewhere, it inevitably leads to a bunch of people misunderstanding and trying to explain how good guys haven't always really won, they just wrote the history books. This is inevitably followed by people explaining that's the joke, and somewhere, I know Norm Macdonald is grinning ear to ear.

"That famous guy said it. What's his name? Oh yeah... Jesus."

If you want to know whether or not you like Norm Macdonald, go watch Dirty Work. It's less a real movie and more one hour and twenty-two minutes of Norm saying the most ridiculous things while vaguely attempting to act, like in this case when he credited Jesus with a quote about not getting stomped on.

"I endorse podiums. That's a product I can stand behind."

People often talk about the Norm Macdonald jokes that are a little more profound or punch a little harder, but he was also a master of wordplay. In fact, he followed this joke on his show up with another about how he was hired to write a slogan for an elevator company, but they didn't like his about never letting people down.

"I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser."

Norm Macdonald was famously fired from Saturday Night Live; so, this joke is a bit of a self-own. That being said, with all due respect to Kenan Thompson, who is a treasure, this is a thoughtful statement about life. It's like you work to find your place, but at some point, as soon as you start to get comfortable, people wonder why you haven't left yet.

"I signed up for my company's 401K, but I don't think I can run that far."

In fairness to Norm, I'm not even excited about running a 5K, let alone a 401K. Good on him for signing up and giving it a try though.

"When I was a child, they told me children are our future. Then I grew up and now they're saying it's actually these new children. I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one."

If it's something everyone else takes as an accepted fact, chances are Norm figured out a way to make a joke about it. In this case, it's taking a phrase we've all heard a thousand times and making it seem outrageous.

"Ever since Trump's new immigration policy came in, the band Foreigner is scared."

Norm wasn't a huge fan of political jokes. He made some observations and didn't run away from the subject, but when he touched on it, a lot of times it was in the form of the above joke--- some kind of funny wordplay with a little commentary mixed in. This ridiculous one he gave to Tim Allen to read during a funny segment of his show.

"A hippo's mouth is wide enough to fit a four foot tall child, unfortunately after measuring the hippo's mouth almost all the children were eaten."

In case you're wondering, I fact checked Norm here, and yes, a hippo's mouth is about four feet wide. Also, a comedy checked him, and this joke is way better because he says almost all of the children were eaten. A few must have survived, but I can't imagine they escaped without injury.

"The Statue of Liberty is setting a bad example for young women. When times get tough, you can't just stand motionless for centuries holding a torch."

Everyone else thinks The Statue Of Liberty is an inspirational beacon of hope? Of course Norm sees things in a different way, and I'm glad. It was well past time someone gave that lady the constructive criticism she needed.

"I made a bad business decision, started an online business, you know what I sold? Brick & Mortar."

Not every business decision is going to be a winner. In this case, Norm probably should have chosen either online or brick and mortar, not found a way to mix the two together. You live and you learn though.

"I can't stand stuck-up bodies of water. It's like, 'Get over yourself, Lake Superior'"

This is an area of long-term personal growth and improvement for all the Great Lakes. Also, it's something to work on in the exact opposite way for The Dead Sea. Maybe work on being a little more cheerful.

"The inside of the human body is more of a miracle than you'd first think since everything goes on in there in total darkness."

People talk a lot about their bodies every time something goes wrong, but how about we be a little more thankful for our organs working twenty-four hours a day without a single light on? Heroes.

"President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare. Today he announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats."

How are those fat cats controlling the lumber trade supposed to survive when they now have to pay three extra cents on their shiny top hats? That's how they get you.

"A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $76,000 worth of Campbell's soup. I, for one, hope this guy goes away for 'Mmm, mmm, good!'"

I identify with this joke, but that's probably because I eat soup every single day for lunch. I wouldn't take $76,000 worth though because my house has a small pantry.