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29 Hilarious Phil Hartman Quotes From Movies And TV

Mike Reyes

May 6, 2024 at 5:00 PM

Words of hilarity from a comedy legend.

“OH! THESE COOKIES!” - Jingle All The Way

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I'm just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me.” - SNL

“Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from…” - The Simpsons

“I think World War II was my favorite war.” - Small Soldiers

“Since when does a soap opera control the future of the country?” - The Second Civil War

“You don’t scare me! I’ve got chunks of guys like you in my stool!” - SNL

“This one I like. I keep. This one displeases me.” - NewsRadio

“As of this moment Lionel Hutz doesn’t exist. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!” - The Simpsons

“My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.” - So I Married An Axe Murderer

“Trust me my friend, me and my cane, when I find it, will find you! And…well, you get the idea.” - NewsRadio

"Wake up Manhattan. Wake up Brooklyn. Wake up… the other three boroughs." - NewsRadio

“Sprechen Sie Sassy?” - SNL

“You can’t bench press your way out of this one.” - Jingle All The Way

“These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!” - The Simpsons

“Don’t you trust your own brother? Right, no argument there.” - Blind Date

"Don't try to confuse me with the facts!" - NewsRadio

“My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if this circuitry could not be bypassed somehow." - SNL

“Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn’t help overhearing that you need a babysitter.” - The Simpsons

“Excuse me! You're not off the hook yet, there's just the little matter of the massive damage to my home, and my garage, and my audio-visual component system, and...this is good, thanks." - Small Soldiers

“There’s ‘The Truth,’ and ‘The Truth!’” - The Simpsons

“I missed an important occasion, but with the money I made from those two commercials, I was able to buy my infant son a pair of colored contact lenses.” - SNL

"I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer." - The Simpsons

"Dave, when a person reaches a certain level of success in life, he finds he needs a loyal companion. Take Batman for example!" - NewsRadio

“Is it the pills? The sheep? The ducks? Your wife?” - SNL

“It’s the part I was born to play, baby!” - The Simpsons

“There's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton. Fast food is the least of our worries, ok buddy?” - SNL

“I move for a bad court thingy.” - The Simpsons

“Kind of a downer, huh? Especially with everyone dying, and Matthew and I needing each other, and all of that.” - NewsRadio

“Jimmy, don’t make me have to kill you.” - SNL

Words of hilarity from a comedy legend.

The late Phil Hartman was a comedic talent that could ride the line between smarmy and funny like no other. Creating iconic characters on SNL and Newsradio, as well as memorable moments in The Simpsons, there was no role the man’s talents couldn’t tackle. So if you find yourself in the need of some prime laughter, feel free to enjoy the following assortment of Hartman magic that keeps his legacy alive.

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Phil Hartman's career in movies and TV racked up some of the best comedy quotes of all time.

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