Here Are 25 Straight Pride Events, Because Apparently Straight People Need Them
Hoo boy. We're a grand total of four days into LGBTQ Pride Month, which means we nearly made it a week without a viral story about straight people not having a month dedicated to the plight of being heterosexual. Fear not: The devil works hard, but straight people work harder. On Day 4 of Pride Month, the good people of the internet began circulating an upcoming event in Boston, the inaugural Boston Straight Pride Parade, which is scheduled to happen some time in August.
This is-and I cannot stress this enough-a relief. Put together in part by a group called Super Happy Fun America, the parade is intended to celebrate the "diverse history, culture, and contributions of the straight community." For reference, LGBTQ Pride Month falls in June because of a little event called the Stonewall Riots, which happened 50 years ago this year. On June 28, 1969, police conducted a routine raid of the Stonewall Inn in New York (because police routinely raided LGBTQ establishments in the '50s and '60s). But on this particular day, the LGBTQ community pushed back. Trans women and people of color led the resistance against police and effectively catapulted the civil rights battle for LGBTQ people to the national stage.
But this is not the point. The point is the celebration of straight people-finally.
While the Boston Straight Pride Parade is a good start, let's recognize some of the other Heterosexual Pride events that happen throughout the year. You may not realize it, but Heterosexual Pride holidays take place every single month. Don't relegate yourself to one month, heterosexuals. Reach out! Celebrate your stuff! And feel free to bookmark this page for reference.
Straight Pride Parade????? FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!
- Smash Mouth (@smashmouth) June 4, 2019
25 Heterosexual Pride Events Throughout the Year
1. Honda Days*
2. The 15-20 Minute Wait at Outback Steakhouse on Friday Nights
3. The Entire Week Surrounding St. Patrick's Day
4. The Semi-Annual Return of the McRib
5. Black Friday at Walmart
6. High School Football Games
7. The Relaxed Fit Khakis Section at Dillards and/or Kohls During Tax Free Weekend
8. Golf Courses
9. March Madness
10. The March for Life
11. The American Idol Live! Tour
12. Hot Dog Eating Competitions
13. That Stray Halloween Party Someone Hosts One Weekend Too Early
14. Nickelback Concerts
15. The Mad Dash to Hallmark Stores on the Afternoon of February 14
16. Endless Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks at Olive Garden
17. Every Two-Year-Old's Birthday Party Ever
18. Chip and Joanna Gaines' Speaking Events
19. Weekends When TNT Shows Fast and the Furious Marathons
20. Gender Reveal Parties
21. Super Bowl Sunday (Minus the Halftime Show)
22. The Winter and Summer Seasons of The Bachelor(ette)
23. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
24. Dollaritas at Applebees
25. The Week That the Pumpkin Spice Latte Is Reintroduced
(*Not to be confused with Toyata-thon, which is specifically for gay people)
Granted, none of these events are tied to a specific instance in history when heterosexual people were oppressed or marginalized because of something inherent about them. In fact, having a month of recognition isn't a privilege but rather a consolation prize for being treated so terribly for so long. But fear not, because there are so many times during the year when being heterosexual is of little to no consequence in your daily life. Let's celebrate that!
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