If These 22 Tweets Sound Familiar, You're Probably Married

wife: Do that thing I like
me *uses a coaster*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 30, 2017

Relationship status: Married so long that my wife thinks I’m smelling up the bathroom on purpose

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 8, 2017

It's not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

— J (@junejuly12) September 5, 2017

They say all good things must come to an end...

After 7 wonderful years of marriage...

I walked in on my wife...

Watching Twilight..

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 6, 2017

It’s less awkward picking up my wife’s period supplies than giving her coffee order at Starbucks.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 4, 2017

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.

-marriage

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

— Brian Russell (@TheUnderfold) July 27, 2017

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 14, 2017

I cannot hate on cargo shorts. My husband is a walking diaper bag in those things. I'm getting him the matching vest to hold water bottles.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 18, 2017

I tell my husband that I love him but I'm also territorial about the good cheese in the fridge because balance is healthy in marriage.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) September 3, 2017

[Target]

Me: We're just picking up a few things, right?

Wife: *evil cackle*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2017

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask "Is this Led Zeppelin?"

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 30, 2015

My wife and I both separately went to the grocery store hungry, and now we have 25 lbs of snacks

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2017

Me [sits down to stack of pancakes and bacon]
Wife: What happened to eating healthier?
Me: Ugh. Fine. [puts single blueberry on pancake]

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 11, 2017

I am never more attracted to my husband than when he's looking for a coupon before we go inside a restaurant.

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) September 7, 2017

Here, let me do that

-me when my wife is almost done with some chore

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2017

It's my wife Carmens Birthday today please join me in wishing that I don't do anything to piss her off today.

— Scott B. (@ScottwB46) September 10, 2017

(sends raven to my husband)
"Dude, seriously, what do want for dinner?"

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 31, 2017

To ensure the safety of others and prevent the demise of your marriage, never start a home improvement project with your spouse.

— Wἶղε Cհმɾოεɾ (@Wine_Charmer) September 2, 2017

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 7, 2017

Wife: *laughing uncontrollably* So THIS is your midlife crisis??

Me: *struggles to get out of a Mazda Miata*

— Son of Dad (@Steven37366100) September 11, 2017