115 Funny Quotes for When You Need a Good Laugh

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If laughter is the best medicine, this round-up is an entire pharmacy. It’s jam-packed with funny quotes about work, life, aging, and more that are sure to make you chuckle — or at the very least, smile. These funny quotes and hilarious sayings are the perfect pick-me-up after a long day of work or remedy for boredom. In fact, they may be just the trick to ward off your Sunday scaries!

Once you enjoy these clever quotes and quips from comedic legends, feel free to share them with your friends and family so that they can laugh, too. And don’t worry, they’re kid-friendly, so you can also share these funny jokes for kids with the youngsters in your life. Among our extensive list are quotes from popular sitcoms such as The Office and New Girl, as well as quotes from notable authors, actors, and comedians. We’re looking at you, Will Ferrell, Joan Rivers, and Zach Galifianakis.

But don’t let the laughter stop there — we also have round-ups of funny puns, corny jokes, knock-knock jokes, and anti-jokes (yes, that’s a real thing) to read next. But be warned: you may laugh till you cry.

Best Funny Quotes

• "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." — Michael Scott, The Office
  

• "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured, if you have enough money, you can have a key made." — Joan Rivers
  

• "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." ― Bill Watterson

• "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." ― Mae West

• "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." ― W.C. Fields

• "I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." — Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

• "It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it." — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

• "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas." — Paula Poundstone

• "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

• "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford." — Cindy Crawford

• "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." — Alexander Woollcott

• "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." ― Albert Einstein

• "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes." — P.J. O'Rourke

• "As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy." — Ralphie May

• "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system." ― Ellen DeGeneres

• "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass." — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

• “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” — Bryan White

• “I need a six-month vacation twice a year.” — Unknown

• “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” — Nick Miller, New Girl

Short Funny Quotes

• "I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!" ― Charles M. Schulz
  

• "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." — Jerry Seinfeld

• "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

• "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey

• "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone." — Dolly Parton

• "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." ― Phyllis Diller

• "Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason

• "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke

• "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." — Judith Martin

• "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." — Samuel L. Jackson

• "Reality continues to ruin my life." ― Bill Watterson

• "Don't be so humble — you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir

• "Never miss a good chance to shut up." ― Will Rogers

• "I've had great success being a total idiot. " ― Jerry Lewis

• "Instant gratification takes too long." — Carrie Fisher

• "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best." ― Winston S. Churchill

• "I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it." ― Mae West

• "I always cook with wine. Sometimes, I even add it to the food." — W.C. Fields

• "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." ― Cathy Guisewite

• "I drink to make other people more interesting." — Ernest Hemingway

Funny Quotes For Friends

• "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." — Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

• "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." — Eleanor Roosevelt

• "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey

• "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin

• "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'" — Groucho Marx

• "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you." — Rita Mae Brown

• "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

• "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural." — Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

• "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." — Oscar Wilde

• "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company." — Mark Twain

• “There is nothing better than a friend unless it’s a friend with chocolate.” — Linda Grayson

• “Friendship is a wildly underrated medication.” — Anna Deavere Smith

• “A good friend will always stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde

• “Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?” — Jane Austen

• "Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway." — Greg Tamblyn

• "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." — Bernard Meltzer

• “Friends make you smile — best friends make you giggle ’til you pee your pants.” — Terri Guillemets

• "Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with." — Robert Brault
  
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Funny Quotes About Life

• "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling

• "Life is short. Drive fast, and leave a hot corpse. That's one of my mottos." — Stanley Hudson, The Office

• "Sometimes, you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!" — Charlie Brown

• "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." — James Branch Cabell

• "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." ― Oscar Wilde

• "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." ― Isaac Asimov

• "When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now, I realize I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin

• "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." — Zach Galifianakis

• "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." — Erma Bombeck

• "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." — Phyllis Diller

• "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” — Reese Witherspoon

• "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path — unless you're in the woods, and you're lost, and you see a path, then by all means you should follow that." — Ellen DeGeneres

• "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." — David Lee Roth

• "The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most." — Ann Landers

• "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde." — Dolly Parton

• "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet." — Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

• "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping." — Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls

• "I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat." — Pam Beesly, The Office

• "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living." — Meryl Streep
  

Funny Quotes About Work

• "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired." — Sandra Bullock

• "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job." — Jim Halpert, The Office

• "An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true." — Michael Scott, The Office

• "So this is my life — until I win the lottery." — Jim Halpert, The Office

• "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." — Oscar Wilde

• "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?" — Phyllis Diller

• "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." — Joan Rivers

• "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." ― Jerome K. Jerome

• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." ― Charles Lamb

• "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door." — Marcelene Cox

• "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." — Sarah Brown

• "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic." — Zig Ziglar

• "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure." — Mark Twain

• "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." — Will Rogers

• "No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early." — Groucho Marx

• "Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." — Charlotte Whitton

• "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted." — Kevin Malone, The Office

• "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing." — Dwight Schrute, The Office

• "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well." — Mark Twain

Funny Quotes About Aging

• "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." — Lucille Ball

• "Honey, time marches on, and eventually, you realize it is marchin' across your face." — Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

• "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police." — Joan Rivers

• "People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup." — Dolly Parton

• "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway." — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

• "No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it." — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

• "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." — George Burns

• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." — Luis Buñuel

• "As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." — Sir Norman Wisdom

• "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." — Phyllis Diller

• "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Shirley MacLaine

• "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." — Betty White

• “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” — Woody Allen

• “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” — Ogden Nash

• “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” — Larry Lorenzoni

• “If I had known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” — Mickey Mantle

• “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” — George Burns

• “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain

• “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” — John Wagner

• “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope

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