Here are the 10 absolutely worst Christmas songs of all time: Mariah, barking dogs, more
Heard any good Christmas songs lately?
Chances are you have, as nothing pulls at the heartstrings like Christmas and holiday songs. The genre is an industry unto itself, and the greats of music have made holiday songs. But with so many seasonal tunes, there are a few clunkers as well.
Here are the 10 worst, in chronological order.
‘All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)’ by Spike Jones and His City Slickers (1947)
Annoying, grating and emblematic of baby-boomer indulgence, “All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)” was first released in 1947 by Jones and company.
It was a nadir of the post-war population explosion and millions of beleaguered parents had toothless kids at home. They apparently identified with this drivel.
A music teacher, Donald Gardner, wrote the song after substituting for a second-grade class in Smithtown, New York, in 1944. The majority of the class didn’t have teeth and he wrote the song for the school’s Christmas pageant. He showed it to his wife.
“We both thought it was god-awful,” said Gardner, according to Deardoctor.com. “I said, ‘My God, that won’t even sell 100 copies.’”
“All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)” has been covered many time since then, including popular versions by Alvin and the Chipmunks and Nat King Cole.
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‘I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’ by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Can anyone say animal abuse?
A full-grown hippopotamus can weigh up to 4,000 pounds — there’s no way it’s going to fit under a Christmas tree. That didn’t deter 10-year old Gayla Peevey of Oklahoma, who was apparently asked to name anything she wanted for Christmas. Asking for a hippopotamus doesn’t strike us as subversive in a Dr. Seuss kind of way, but rather overly indulgent and spoiled. The type of thing Veruca Salt would ask for.
The song’s marching band-style arrangement increases the annoyance factor exponentially.
‘Jingle Bells’ by the Singing Dogs (1955)
This song is a case of the bark being worse than the bite.
Dolly, Pearl, Pussy, Caesar, and King were recorded by a Dutch music producer and their barks were altered to resemble “Jingle Bells.” One listen and you say that’s clever. Two listens and you say that’s annoying. A lifetime of hearing “Jingle Bells” by the Singing Dogs during the holidays and you say you’re a cat person.
‘Jingle Bells’ by Barbra Streisand (1967)
This cacophonous, allegro-happy version of “Jingle Bells” has to be heard to be believed. What were they thinking?
“Laughing all the way, hey, hey, hey, hey!” yelps Streisand.
Forty years later, the YouTube comments put a bow on it.
“I don’t think I’ve ever gotten motion sickness from a song before," commented a listener. "But here I am.”
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‘An Old Fashioned Christmas (Daddy’s Home)’ by Linda Bennett (1975)
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a song about a bus crash with multiple fatalities.
That’s what happens in “An Old Fashioned Christmas (Daddy’s Home)” by Linda Bennett. The song is bad and in bad taste. It’s having a bit of a revival these days, thanks to TikTok.
Let it be a reminder — slow down and drive carefully.
‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ by Elmo and Patsy (1979)
Grandma was run over by a reindeer because she drank too much eggnog and didn’t have her medication in the novelty hit “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
OK, we’re sorry, but since when did age-shaming and misogyny become funny? Also, the song also implies that Santa Claus is a sexual pervert because he “plays with elves.”
Well, the bad taste of the song does seem to be helping locals. Original singer Elmo Shropshire performs the song with the Jersey Shore Holiday Express, which raises funds and spirit for the area’s needy, during the holidays.
‘Carol of the Bells’ by Mannheim Steamroller (1988)
“Carol of the Bells” by Mannheim Steamroller is the sonic equivalent of carpet bombing any Christmas spirit we might have back into the stone age.
The original “Carol of the Bells” is based on the Ukrainian song for which English lyrics were written in 1934. The Mannheim Steamroller prog-rock version, which features eerie bells, heavy metal bombast and weird, synthy vocoder singing, was originally released on the million-selling album “A Fresh Aire Christmas” in 1988.
The Trans-Siberian Orchestra has a similarly plundering version that they released in 1996. Both groups, which have multiple lineups, are happy to assault your senses in concert each holiday season.
‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey (1994)
We’re sorry, this one leaves us cold, with its bombarding bassline, sterile drum-machine beat and Carey’s vapidly airy vocals. After numerous listens in the mall, gym, pizzeria and just about every other aspect of contemporary life where the song has barged in during the holidays, “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is soulless, un-warm and about as exciting as listening to an overloaded washing machine spin away on Christmas Eve.
‘The Christmas Shoes’ by NewSong (2000)
Cloying, morose and exploitive, “The Christmas Shoes” by NewSong is a bad fit no matter how you look it at.
The narrator in the song is “not really in the Christmas mood,” but thank goodness in front of him at a shoe store there’s a poor boy with a critically sick mom who might pass away on Christmas Eve.
The boy can’t afford the “Christmas Shoes” for his mom, so the narrator pays for them.
“I knew that God had sent that little boy; To remind me just what Christmas is all about,” sings the narrator.
Well, that’s a happy ending — except for the boy and his sick mom.
‘DJ Play a Christmas Song’ by Cher (2023)
“DJ Play a Christmas Song” by Cher is utterly devoid of any feeling of Christmas, the holidays, or even winter —beyond making the listener feel cold.
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Chris Jordan, a Jersey Shore native, covers entertainment and features for the USA Today Network New Jersey. Contact him at @chrisfhjordan; cjordan@app.com
This article originally appeared on Asbury Park Press: Worst Christmas songs of all time: Here's our bottom 10
