Sarah Silverman Opens Up About Suffering Through Depression
Sarah Silverman (Williams + Hirakawa/Glamour)
To the naked eye, Sarah Silverman has it all: two Emmys, a solid career, and a suave British boyfriend. But, as is explored in her newest film, I Smile Back, looks can be deceiving. For Silverman, depression has been a lifelong battle, and she explores her ups and downs in a new essay for Glamour.
“I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn’t deal with being with my friends, I didn’t go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks,” Silverman says of the onset of depression when she was 13. “People use ‘panic attack’ very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don’t think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It’s terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there. Once, my stepdad asked me, 'What does it feel like?’ And I said, 'It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.’”
In I Smile Back, Silverman plays Laney Brooks, a suburban mother who’s hiding that she’s self-medicating for depression with drugs and alcohol.
“I knew playing Laney Brooks would take me back to a very dark place,” Silverman admits.
The 44-year-old actress explains that she’s managed to gain control over her depression, but stresses that she still has down days.
“Usually after 24 hours or so of wallowing in depressing music and being the Sylvia Plath of social media, a friend will reach out: 'Are you OK? I saw that tweet.’ And I’ll sort of snap to it, brush myself off, and get back to life. I’ve learned that keeping busy is a good thing for me. Like my mom always said, you just have to be brave enough to exist through it.”
Silverman earned rave reviews for her performance in I Smile Back when it debuted at Sundance earlier this year, and then again when it played at the Toronto International Film Festival. Many see the performance as the beginning of a new chapter for the woman who earned her first Emmy for “I’m F–king Matt Damon.”
“I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. But if you ever experience it, or are experiencing it right now, just know that on the other side, the little joys in life will be that much sweeter,” Silverman promises. “The tough times, the days when you’re just a ball on the floor — they’ll pass. You’re playing the long game, and life is totally worth it.”
