Another unfortunate side effect from the "Cougar Generation," besides the bad plastic surgery and sad women acting like drunken teens, is males thinking they too can pull it off. They take the cougar mantra, "Look hot while dressing young," and hear only the "dress young" part. This has led to a steady upswing in grown men wearing low-riding baggy jeans, backward baseball caps in nice restaurants, and sneakers with a color-scheme inspired by Rainbow Bright.
Men who do this are not the male equivalent of a cougar; they need their own term. They are Turtles. The "Entourage" character inspired the name, but it fits on many levels.
Turtles are always older than you think
At the zoo, you'll guess a turtle is 50 years old. The zookeeper will tell you that it's 85. Similarly, a Turtle is always older than he appears, but not because he looks young and attractive. It's because his clothes cause people to not take him seriously. Women treat Turtles like boys, not men. They may even say: "Wow, that guy looks old for his age."
Turtles are slow
Age plays a factor. We all lose a step getting older. However, Turtles are even slower due to their baggy pants. Young spry legs can easily hold up sagging jeans, but aging legs need every advantage possible. Also, human Turtles are metaphorically slow. They're slugs to change. They didn't start dressing hip-hop when they hit 30. They've been wearing their hat backward since hearing "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. It's time to change it up.
Turtles are protected by their shell
Turtles have a shell composed of hard bone plates in order to ward off predators. A shell composed of gigantic FUBU clothing wards off women.
Just because Jay-Z said that 30 is the new 20 doesn't give you license to dress as clueless as you did when you were still in college. There is a reason people look back at old pictures and grimace at their outfits, rather than say, "Ahhh yeah, where is that super-oversize White Sox jersey?" You may be arguing that it's a matter of personal taste. No -- baggy clothing is scientifically proven not to flatter aging men. As we age, our bellies grow and our asses flatten. This is the time to tailor clothing to fit and complement your body, not make it look bulky and awkward.
The good news is that you can change. You've simply fallen prey to the marketing trends that try to convince everyone that buying certain products makes you young again. It's the same people selling Razor scooters to adults and face polishers to help women brush away wrinkles. Don't give in to advertising. You're a man; be independent and dress like one.
The following are the only acceptable reasons to dress like a Turtle:
- You are a professional hip-hop artist. Hip-hop producers don't count.
- You are going to a Fat Boys reunion concert, thus you're doing it for irony.
- Your friends decided to dress like the cast from "Entourage" for Halloween and you got stuck with Turtle.
- You're hiding your identity from a crazy ex-girlfriend, stalker or student loan collection agency.