58 Thoughts You Have During "Fifty Shades Darker"
Fifty Shades Darker, the second installment of your fantasy trilogy, opens nationwide on Friday, and the horny masses are descending upon theaters to get a glimpse of Christian, Ana, and their Ben Wa balls. I went to the premiere on Thursday, February 2, in Los Angeles and had a *lot* of feelings about the movie. Here's what's in store for you.
Spoilers ahead!
1. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.
2. (Takes large swig of vodka tonic from a thermos.) OK, I am ready for this. Bring this on.
3. Holy shit! It's starting like a horror movie. Young Christian Grey is hiding from some terrifying dude. This is scary! Where's the sex??
4. Phew. We're back to the present. That was intense. Oooh, Ana's boss at Seattle Independent Press is hot. But he's got a creepy vibe. But he's hot. He looks like a young Luke Perry. Hello, boss.
5. Ana just delivered fairly subpar coverage on a new novel and her boss is *so* impressed. Sorry, I would fire someone for that level of incompetence. Ana, step up your game.
6. José's photography exhibit is hot garbage. Ew! He has so many photos of Ana. Every dude is this world wants to bone Ana very badly.
7. CHRISTIAN!!!!!! OK, he looks good, but he's still trying to control Ana and that's what she was trying to get away from. Christian, try harder, brah! She doesn't want the steak, she wants the quinoa salad. Let her be her own woman, Christian! We've been over this before! Fuck.
8. Christian reveals he got off on the pain he inflicted on Ana and other women, and this has Ana *shook.* NA DOY, WOMAN. Come on, Ana!
9. Christian's "I need you more" line is very babely. I hope he can behave himself!!
10. Everyone who works at this independent publishing house in Seattle dresses like they're lawyers in a NYC firm in the 80s. Sorry, these characters should all be dressed like Kurt Cobain and/or Courtney Love. That's how everyone dresses in Seattle. Get with the times.
11. This boss can't stop poppin' boners for Ana! He wants a piece! She's got a man AND HIS NAME IS CHRISTIAN GREY AND HE'S GONNA MURDER YOU, dummy. Also, the boss is a definite jerk and he has to go!
12. Christian doesn't know how to cut a green pepper. Aww. He's like a toddler in the kitchen.
13. I was very confused when Christian dropped something and Ana said "kiss me" while he was still down on his knees but then I was like, "OH, I SEE. ORAL SEX. GOT IT." I guess we're diving right in.
14. It's the first sex scene! Oh hell yeah! They seem more relaxed with each other than they did in the first movie. Maybe it was all the bonding during the press tour afterwards? Good job, team!
15. "I was being romantic but then you go and distract me with your kinky fuckery." = A++ line.
16. There's a lot of ghost symbolism in this movie. Is this girl Leila an actual ghost?! Is Fifty Shades Darker about to get paranormal?! That would be tight.
17. Christian Grey says he makes $24,000 every 15 minutes. Give me some, dog!!!
18. Ana rips up a check from Christian for $24,000 and it's like, GIRL WHAT ARE YOU THINKING YOU WORK AT AN INDEPENDENT PUBLISHING HOUSE. COME ON.
19. Makeover time! I love the makeover sequences! Give her an updo.
20. It's Kim Basinger as Elena! OMG, it is on! She looks *amazing.* This is the best movie ever made.
21. Ew, Christian refers to the women he's in relationships with as "subjects" and has them followed around by PIs. Gross, dude.
22. "It's a relationship, not ownership." YOU TELL 'EM, GIRL.
23. I know this "painting on him with lipstick" is supposed to be about trust and true intimacy, but I can't help thinking about the mess it'll make on the sheets.
24. OH, IT'S BEN WA BALL TIME.
25. Ana is wearing Ben Wa Balls to the Masquerade Ball! Two types of balls going down tonight. (Also, after they have sex in Christian's childhood home, I think they left the Ben Wa Balls on the bed; that's just poor hygiene!)
26. Ana and Christian now travel with a full security detail to protect them from a 100-pound woman. I guess when you're making 24K every 15 minutes it isn't a thing, but it seems wasteful to me.
27. Christian's yacht is the tits. I want one.
28. This whole sequence is a giant boat ad and it's working. I now want a yacht very badly. I HATE BEING BROKE.
29. When do these people work!?
30. THE RED ROOM IS BAAAACK!
31. Omg a spreader bar. He flipped her over like a pancake! The griddle is hot, my friends!!
32. Ana's rape-y boss makes Christian seem like a saint. This fucko deserves a swift kick to the crotch.
33. OH SHIIIIT Ana just delivered a swift kick to the crotch. Get it, girl! But also, she needs to report him to HR and OSHA immediately.
34. Ana is genuinely surprised that her boss was fired but it's like GIRL, DUH, HE TRIED TO RAPE YOU. We need better sex and consent education in this country, you guys.
35. Christian wants Ana to move in!! This man has really changed!!
36. Ana is promoted from assistant to senior editor. Yes, definitely how things work.
37. Of course she's amazing at her job and the ancient white men don't like it. GET USED TO IT, OLD BRAHS.
38. OK, it's time for the panties-off-in-the-restaurant scene from the teaser. Ana is *so* shocked at Christian's request to take off her underwear, you'd think he asked her to do advanced calculus. Girl, it's just your underroos. This ain't that risqué.
39. This elevator fingering scene is something else. He's really getting up in there. Digging for gold. Getting the job done. How are these other people not noticing? They're probably all paid members of Christian's security team, huh?
40. WORKING GIRL REFERENCE. This is the best movie ever made!!!
41. Leila's got a gun! Leila shot the gun! This movie is kinda dark!
42. Christian saves Ana's life and Ana is pissy about it. Walking in the Seattle rain. So iconic. Where's Pike's Place? I hope she walks through the Fish Market. Very symbolic.
43. CHRISTIAN ASKED ANA TO MARRY HIM. Damn, he really has changed! Ana, get with the program!
44. Do those pull ups, boy. Pommel that horse. Let's see the sweat drip. Christian is basically an Olympian. I will watch this scene on repeat as soon as I have the DVD.
45. Christian asks Ana to marry him again. WHAT IS THE HOLD UP, LADY?
46. Am I in a totally different movie? Did I really just watch Christian Grey crash his helicopter? What is happening?
47. Hold up, did they just kill Christian? No. What's happening. More vodka, please.
48. Like Joni Mitchell before her, Ana is realizing what she's lost! BUT WAIT, we're getting word from the newswoman that he's alive! CHRISTIAN IS ALIVE.
49. Annnnd he immediately walks in the door. I'm no geography expert, but I'm pretty sure that defies the laws of space and time. Whatever! Christian's back! And he's bleeding from the head?! But none of this is being addressed. Like, he should definitely go to a hospital, right?
50. Of course Ana says yes to marriage now. He just rose from the dead! They're gonna make it.
51. "Take me to the Red Room!" OH, IT IS ON.
52. Another sex scene. Cool, cool. It's interesting; for all the talk of BDSM in Fifty Shades almost all the sex is him going down on her and then transitioning to missionary style sex. Like, that's pretty vanilla, even with a silky tie involved. I'm not complaining! I'm just saying! Don't shoot the messenger!
53. I am now more familiar with Dakota Johnson's body than I am with my own. I could pick her nipples out a line up, no problemo. Oh, that's a good idea for a Buzzfeed quiz.
54. Man, Christian's cleaning lady must hate him.
55. Everyone in this universe walks to fuck Christian and/or Ana. EVERYONE.
56. Christian PROPOSES AGAIN. This is like the 15th time. I get it. They're getting married!
57. I'm getting a little annoyed with Ana always being like, "Is this for me?! You did all this for me?!" YES GIRL, OF COURSE HE DID. He's a 27-year-old who makes 24K every 15 minutes; of course he planned the fireworks. Stop acting surprised! It ain't cute!
58. Oh shit! The boss is back! And he's about to fuck some shit up for the third movie! He was not a fully-developed character and I don't even know his name, but whatever. I'm in!
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