Here's What Happened When I Tried Kim Kardashian's Post-Baby Diet

At 27 years old, I’m actually quite proud — even smug! — that I’ve never bought into a fad diet in my whole life.

Sure, I’ve avoided overdosing on chocolate. And I’ve limited the amount of times I reach for the phone and order a Hawaiian pizza with a side of chicken wings and garlic bread. But really, I just love junk food too much to ever fully turn my back on it.

But when Kim Kardashian stepped out at LAX last week looking superslim in a body-hugging dress, just six months after giving birth to little Saint West, I needed to try whatever she was on — despite the fact she’s admitted to wearing two pairs of Spanx at a time. Lord knows how she hides the visible lines.

We’ve seen countless celebrities bouncing back within weeks of welcoming their little bundles of joy into the world. But the selfie queen and Keeping Up With the Kardashians star has lost 60 pounds since December.

To put that into perspective, that’s over 8 pounds every month. And calorie-wise, the equivalent of 240 sticks of butter, 60 pints of beer, and 46 pizzas.

And while I may be proud of my blatant disregard for dieting, I’m certainly not about to shout out from the rooftops the number of pizzas I’ve consumed since Christmas.

So when it came time for somebody to be a guinea pig for Kim’s post-baby diet, I volunteered (feeling very like Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games) because hey, what harm could it do popping my fad diet virginity on a plan that limited my carb intake?

And so began my three days of living on Kim’s post-baby diet, aka the Atkins diet.

How it works: In a nutshell, you’re allowed a very limited intake of “good carbohydrates” throughout the week and encouraged to eat a lot of protein, veggies, and Atkins bars, which are meant to fill you up, to stop cravings.

So here’s how my three days living like Kim went.

Day 1

Day 1 of my diet was supposed to start on Monday morning, but really it started on Sunday when I spent a good two hours in the supermarket in Sidney, Australia, looking like a scared tourist in a foreign country, desperately scouring the aisles for the obscure ingredients on Kim’s list. If only I had a picture of the face of the fishmonger when I asked her for a fillet of halibut!

When Monday morning rolled around, I realized I had totally underestimated the preparation time required to make this diet work, and ended up standing in the kitchen at 5 a.m. in my nightgown, cooking a turkey sausage with scrambled egg and smoked Gouda cheese on a pan, willing the fire alarm not to go off and wake up my whole building. At 6 a.m., I was out the door, making it to my desk for 6:30, smelly breakfast in hand.

I quickly forced it down at my desk and moved on to Part 2 of breakfast (yes, there’s more), which was 4 ounces of Greek yogurt and 1/3 cup of fresh blueberries. Needless to say, I didn’t finish it all.

Despite not being a morning-snack type of person, when 10:30 a.m. arrived, I was determined to stay on Kim’s diet plan, and chowed down on an Atkins low-carb, high-protein bar, which was surprisingly quite tasty.

Thankfully, I was more prepared for lunch, which was grilled lime chicken over a spinach feta salad. While it may not look like much, it was a welcome respite, after I’d eaten what I would normally eat in my whole work day that morning.

At 3:30 p.m., snack time came around again, and I found myself sitting on my sofa watching the new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, while munching on one medium carrot and four tablespoons of hummus. Who am I?

Although it is glaringly obvious that Kim spends a lot of her life working off all that protein in the gym, I decided to skip the treadmill and prepare dinner and my food for the next day — and watch a lot more TV.

After finding it impossible to snag a fillet of halibut in Sydney, I settled on a piece of barramundi for dinner, with sautéed green beans. The verdict: It may not have been very satisfying but it certainly filled me up enough, so I didn’t need a slab of chocolate and a cup of tea on hand while I watched Game of Thrones that night.

Day 2

On Day 2, I was feeling like I had this whole Atkins thing down to a tee. Who needs carbs anyway?

I prepared breakfast like a champion the night before and sat down at my desk willing myself to just even try the sautéed cauliflower, chorizo, cheese, and salsa. As I thought, I picked out the chorizo and threw the rest in the bin. Cauliflower for breakfast just simply wasn’t happening. My day was not off to a great start.

At 10:30 a.m., I had a meeting, and it would have been rude of me not to have a coffee, right? I ditched the half a small apple and two ounces of cheddar cheese I was meant to have as a snack, in favor of a flat white, with only half a sugar, because I’m on a diet.

Like the Sir Buzz Killington I was that day, I sat there with my glass of water, dreaming about my turkey burger with chipotle aioli, tomato, and onion I had waiting in the fridge back at the office.

Needless to say, I devoured it within seconds of being at my desk, and followed it up with another Atkins bar, which was supposed to be my snack that day.

Back at home, I slow-roasted a breast of chicken with lemon and rosemary for dinner, accompanied by eight spears of asparagus and a 1/3 cup of brown rice. Yet again, it didn’t blow me away into a food daze, but it did the trick, and I didn’t snack for the rest of the night.

Day 3

I’m not going to lie, by Day 3 I was dreaming of carbs. Potatoes, bread, nachos, muffins, pizza. You name it, I wanted it.

Breakfast did nothing to quench my carb craving, but I ate the green chili, cheese, and egg bake with arugula on the side anyway, because it was the morning. I was hangry — and that’s what Kim says she eats for breakfast on a Wednesday.

By 10 a.m., I had already eaten my 1/8 of a honeydew melon snack, and by 12 p.m., my zucchini noodles with spicy chicken sausage were in my belly.

At 2 p.m., I had my protein bar, and rather sheepishly, I’ll admit that’s where my dedication to the diet ended.

That night, I was supposed to have grilled chicken with cauliflower mac and cheese, but it never happened. Before you judge me for giving up just at the last hurdle, in my defense, real life happened. My team volunteered to cook for a charity that night, and I couldn’t help snacking on the desserts as we cooked our chicken, beef, and vegetarian stir-fry.

I have never been so happy in my life to see a slice of toast with avocado as I was the next morning.

While Kim’s post-baby diet was hardly torture to go through for three days, the preparation time just wasn’t realistic for me with an office job and social events.

If I had a personal chef, trainer, and someone who watched over everything I ate at social gatherings, ready to smack my hands away when I reached for the glass of wine and junk food, then this diet would definitely be doable.

Unfortunately, I have none of these things, and Kim’s diet got old, very fast.

But hey, if you need to hit the beach in two weeks, and you’re looking for a quick, tummy-trimming, weight-loss trick, then this might work for you.

Just be prepared to spend your nights and days dreaming of carbs, carbs, beautiful carbs.

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