How Grief Transformed This Social Media Fitness Star’s Body

Amy Capetta
The woman shared that she struggles with grief.
The woman shared that she struggles with grief after losing her mother. (Photo: Instagram/abeauty _and_abeast)

One fitness “celebrity” on Instagram is exposing more than just her body. Makayla — who goes by @abeauty_and_abeast_ and uses the tagline, “Love your damn self” — shares her personal health and fitness journey with more than 41,000 followers. However, this social media influencer recently admitted that she’s not as trim as she was last year.

“I never meant to gain weight. I didn’t do it on purpose,” she posted. “I didn’t gain weight because I needed to. I gained weight because my mom died, and I was suddenly dumped into the worst, most confusing, excruciating, world-ruining tornado of grief and anguish. I went into survival mode, and as a result, exercise and planned meals became a non-priority.”

Awake in the middle of the night and thinking about my weekend and how much fun I had (despite the sunburn), and reflecting on how far I have come in the last year. • Photo on the left is from last February, when I was at the height of my fitness journey and feeling amazing about my body. • Photo on the right is from Saturday. • Now, it may be tempting to look at one photo and call it superior to the other. What photos can't show you is the confidence and progress that has been made on the inside. • I never meant to gain weight. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't being unhealthy or restrictive, I was just really motivated and kicking ass with exercise and eating "healthy". • I didn't gain weight because I needed to. I gained weight because my mom died, and I was suddenly dumped into the worst, most confusing, excruciating, world-ruining tornado of grief and anguish. I went into survival mode, and as a result exercise and planned meals became a non-priority. • Gaining weight back challenged the "progress" I thought I'd made. Turns out, my confidence and love of my body and self was tied to the "success" of my fitness, and the progress of my body. My mind still had some work to do. • I have been challenged to accept the body that grief gave me. To understand that, at any size, I am a person deserving of love and I am worthy and wonderful. My size does not make me a better person. Period. • On Saturday I ran around freely on the beach, and had the time of my life. I was unconcerned with the jiggling of my thighs and stomach as I ran and played with the pup. I was full of joy. • That's big progress. Unposed, real lighting, moving and playing and laughing in this glorious body I am fortunate to have. • I'm finding my balance again, physically. I'm working on reclaiming healthful habits around eating and exercise…but I'm doing it at the pace that works for me now. I'm not concerned about "getting that body back" because I love THIS body just as much. • I want to be my healthiest self, body, mind, heart, and soul. Abs abs inches won't define that. Not by a long shot. • I've survived, and am aiming to thrive. I know my mom would be proud of my progress through grief.

A post shared by @abeauty_and_abeast_ on Apr 3, 2017 at 4:10am PDT

In fact, Makayla is not alone. According to the American Psychological Association, people are more likely to abandon healthy eating habits and opt for high-calorie, high-fat foods during times of stress. Also, the body tends to store more fat during periods of prolonged stress compared to when it’s in a more relaxed state.

“Emotional eating is eating in response to feelings, not hunger,” Susan Albers, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic who specializes in eating issues, weight loss, body-image concerns, and mindfulness, tells Yahoo Beauty. “Sometimes we are under the assumption that emotional eating is only in response to feelings like boredom, anxiety, grief, or stress, but it can actually be when you eat to keep good feelings going,” says Albers, who is also the author of 50 More Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food.

There’s a biological explanation for why periods of extreme stress may encourage unhealthy food choices.

“Your body becomes flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone, that is linked to your fight-or-flight mechanism,” says Albers. “And that fight-or-flight response gears up your body for a battle, which makes you crave sugary, salty, and fatty foods.”

While emotional eating is not a clinical disorder, she adds that it can “spiral into a problem if it continues and is the only mechanism you have for coping with your feelings.”

In order to put an end to this vicious cycle, she says, the first step is recognizing that you’re engaging in emotional eating, followed by being open to the idea of trying other coping mechanisms. “It’s likely that the emotional eater in the midst of grief has gotten hooked to the quickness and easiness of soothing with food,” says Albers. “But, rest assured, there are other ways.”

She advises seeking social and emotional support from friends and family, as well as a counselor. “Don’t isolate!” emphasizes Albers. “This leaves you alone with food to engage in emotional eating, which is only a temporary way to find comfort.”

Also, do your best to keep a sense of normalcy about your life. “When you’re grieving, it can feel like your world has come to a screeching halt,” she explains. “So making sure that you keep moving and doing your regular routine can be of some comfort.”

It’s also imperative to try to find healthier emotional outlets, such as meditation, exercise, yoga, prayer, routine, or distraction. “Match your feeling with the intervention,” advises Albers. “If you’re feeling angry about your loss, you may need to vent those feelings or move to shake it off.”

Above all, she warns about the one path you’d want to avoid. “Like drowning your grief in food, be cautious of escaping your feelings with other substances,” concludes Albers. “Facing these feelings head-on with support from others is key.”

Full disclosure: I binged today for the first time in a long while. I'm posting about it because the number one enemy of my recovery is SILENCE. And so I'm sharing. Because this process is not linear and because I'm a human with shortcomings and imperfections. • I was doing well most of the day. I packed food for school from 8-4, and was right on track with my homemade noms. Then, in my ASL class, some weirdness happened. • We started learning signs about family. "Does your mom have brothers and sisters?" and "are your grandparents still alive?" and suddenly my stomach turned into knots and my skin started crawling. I started thinking about my mom. I didn't want to talk about it in that context, or at all. It's been almost a year since she died. I can't think about that right now. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I wish I weren't here right now. Etc etc etc. the anxiety starts to spiral. • On my drive home I suddenly found myself in the grocery store parking lot. I bought 3 bags of chips, a pack of hard cider, and some chocolate covered bananas. If that doesn't sound like emotional eating, I don't know what does. • I ate a whole bag of chips. I've drank 2 ciders. I don't feel great about it. So why am I sharing? Well, because I'm not perfect. Because I still fall into old habits sometimes when my emotions run amuck. Because it fucking happens. • And tomorrow I have the power to wake up and make a different, better choice for myself. To let today go, accept it for what it was, and move forward. I don't have to dwell or fixate. I'm human. I caved. And tomorrow I will wake up and do my best to take care of myself. • I hope you all do the same. All my love.

A post shared by @abeauty_and_abeast_ on Apr 4, 2017 at 7:47pm PDT

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