Here's a video

We've been debating publishing this video for weeks. Now, as imaginary armed men pound on the fictional doors of Joystiq's nonexistent office, we have precious little time to debate any further. So here it is, a video of Satoru Iwata set to the theme of Sanford and Son. It was created my Mike Suszek in a fit of madness and giggles. We present it here, without context, because it's our last chance. Please understand.

Games of a Lifetime: Richard's picks

After more than ten years devoted to video games and the people who make them, Joystiq is closing its doors. We won't be reporting on the best games of 2015, so join us for one last hurrah as the Joystiq family reveals their Games of a Lifetime. This is killing me. It's absolutely killing me. I haven't been able to write a thing since rumors of Joystiq's closure began circulating. I had plans. Grand plans of writing something eloquent and final. As usual, Ludwig has already done a better job of that than I could ever dream, so I'll leave the goodbyes to him (you'll read it soon enough). Suffice it to say that Joystiq has been my home since July of 2006. I was married two months later, a fact I point out to emphasize the following: I've been with Joystiq for my entire adult life. A year out of college, at the young age of 23, I began a career that seemed impossible. I would write about video games, and in return I would be paid by a company located hundreds of miles from my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was too good to be real, and it still is. But the job isn't what I'm going to miss the most. Honestly, I could do without another 2:00AM review embargo for the rest of my life. What I will miss are the people I work with every day. I've met some amazing human beings over the last eight and a half years, but it is the Joystiq crew as it was in 2014 that has earned my undying love. I've always striven to do the best work I can, but work isn't what defines me. These wonderful people define me, and that's what tears me apart. A job I can lose, but how do you say goodbye to a piece of yourself? With that in mind, maybe you'll understand why I've chosen the games I have. I've certainly spent plenty of alone time with some incredible games, but the ones that stand out in my memory are the ones that I've shared with others. I wish I could say that Joystiq isn't really closing down, that we've all just stepped into some ethereal version of Ludwig's San Francisco apartment for a TowerFall break. Like the schmaltzy ending to your favorite sitcom, we revel in victory and agonize in defeat. We clink glasses, punch thighs, pump fists. Before long, the credits roll and the sounds of our revelry grow quieter until everything finally fades to black. The show is over, there will never be another episode, but in your mind's eye we've never stopped. We'll carry on playing TowerFall forever (or Mario Kart, or Smash Bros, or...). I'd like to imagine that's what really happened, and so I will.

Moon Chronicles DLC episodes touch down on 3DS February 5

After releasing its first episode last May, Renegade Kid's Moon Chronicles is finally ready to receive episodes two, three and four. Creator Jools Watsham revealed on Twitter that Nintendo has approved the episodes and "it's looking like" all three will hit the 3DS eShop on February 5. A "season pass" will be available for $9 to purchase every episode or, according to Nintendo's Moon Chronicles page, individual episodes can be had for $4.50 apiece. The first episode, which also includes special VR missions, remains $8.99. For those who missed its debut last year, Moon Chronicles is a remake of Renegade Kid's DS first-person shooter, Moon, with improved visuals and 3D support. Also, as Watsham points out, the DLC arrives a week before the launch of the New 3DS, which should give players a reason to use that fancy C-stick. [Image: Renegade Kid]

Alien: Isolation: One million sold, scared

Publisher Sega and developer Creative Assembly are indirectly responsible for one hell of a laundry bill, as it was announced today that Alien: Isolation has officially sold one million copies worldwide. Accounting for at least one million players, and factoring in regular sessions with Alien: Isolation's precision engineered terror, we're talking millions of soiled undergarments. We're not aware of any spikes in detergent sales, but it seems like a given. We're rather fond of Alien: Isolation here at Joystiq, where the game stealthily crept into our top ten games of 2014.

Joystiq isn't scoring reviews anymore, and here's why

Ever since we started publishing reviews here at Joystiq, we've striven to deliver the most timely and definitive critiques we can. The word "definitive" is important in this conversation, because things don't get much more definitive than a review score. The very purpose of a score is to define something entirely nebulous and subjective – fun – as narrowly as possible. The problem is that narrowing down something as broad and fluid as a video game isn't truly useful, especially in today's industry. Between pre-release reviews, post-release patching, online connectivity, server stability and myriad other unforeseeable possibilities, attaching a concrete score to a new game just isn't practical. More importantly, it's not helpful to our readers. For that reason, above all others, we've decided that Joystiq will no longer score its reviews. Don't worry, we'll still give you a reason to scroll past the review before actually reading it (it's okay, we all do it), but the information you'll find will be more helpful and meaningful than a handful of stars. I've been mulling over this decision for several months and, after discussing it with the rest of the Joystiq staff, we decided that the new year was the perfect time to flip the switch. For a rundown of why 2014 was the year that broke the critic's back, and exactly how our new system will work, read on.

Joystiq Top 10 of 2014: Bayonetta 2

ATTENTION: The year 2014 has concluded its temporal self-destruct sequence. If you are among the escapees, please join us in salvaging and preserving the best games from the irradiated chrono-debris. Bayonetta 2 is exactly the game I needed in 2014. While major developers and publishers seem to cram more and more into every project – giant maps, hundreds of objectives, skill trees, systems, sub-systems, meta games, companion apps – Bayonetta 2 on the Wii U is an eye-opening, high-heeled kick to the teeth. It drops you headfirst into its bizarre world, where the bombastic war machinery of Heaven and Hell collide, your only real task being the gleeful destruction of it all. The titular witch, Bayonetta, is as perfectly posh as ever and just as deadly, with a healthy supply of imaginative weaponry to dispose of holy angels and vile demons alike.

Best of the Rest: Richard's picks of 2014

ATTENTION: The year 2014 has concluded its temporal self-destruct sequence. If you are among the escapees, please join us in salvaging and preserving the best games from the irradiated chrono-debris. The Vanishing of Ethan Carter The best thing about The Vanishing of Ethan Carter might be that it tells its story in a way that only a video game can. Other games aspire to emulate other forms of media, to be more like movies or books. Ethan Carter, on the other hand, embraces the interactivity of the medium in a wonderful way, with an awareness of a video game's ability to let you live through a moment, rather than just witnessing it. At first, Ethan Carter feels like a typical paranormal mystery, and its investigation mechanics are cleverly implemented, asking you to put the events of the past in the correct order to reveal the truth behind a series of murders. The mystery elements turn out to be just a small part of The Vanishing of Ethan Carter, though, and you soon find yourself pulled into some of the greatest moments of pure fantasy that I've ever seen in a video game. I won't say another word, for fear of spoiling anything. If you appreciate a good mystery, and you believe in the transportational power of games, do yourself a favor and pick it up.

Kalimba (Review)

PSA: December 31 marks Wii U Digital Deluxe promo deadline

This is it, folks. Time to make those holiday gift cards count. If you're an owner of the 32GB Wii U Deluxe console, you've got one more day to earn bonus eShop credit in Nintendo's Deluxe Digital promotion. The promotion rewards Wii U Deluxe owners with credit for making purchases on the Wii U eShop. Specifically, owners can get 10 percent of their purchases back in eShop credit. If you've been waiting to make any eShop purchases, or if this is the first you've heard of the promotion, tomorrow marks your last day to earn points. Points earned via the promotion can be exchanged for eShop credit until March 31, 2015. You can find the relevant details on the promotion's website. [Image: Nintendo]

Game Boy Tetris leaving eShop on New Year's Eve

Shall old acquaintance be forgot And days of breaking lines Shall old acquaintance be forgot And Nintendo is pulling Tetris from 3DS eShop on New Years Eve Maybe it has something to do with Ubisoft. Okay, so it's not as catchy as Auld Lang Syne, but it might make you just as weepy. Nintendo has confirmed via its UK Twitter account that the Game Boy version of Tetris, a game that helped define Nintendo's handheld and portable gaming in general, will be pulled from the 3DS eShop on December 31. It appears that Tetris Axis for the 3DS is also being pulled, according to an image from the 3DS eShop news section posted on Twitter. Nintendo of America has yet to make a similar announcement, and the US eShops make no note of either game being removed, so it's possible that this applies only to the UK. As for why Tetris would be removed from the eShop, it may have something to do with Ubisoft's Tetris Ultimate, which was recently released on 3DS. We've contacted Nintendo of America to confirm if the US version is to be removed as well. If you'd rather not take your chances, the Game Boy version can still be had for $3.99. Unless, of course, you've somehow managed to keep your old Game Boy in working condition all these years. [Image: Nintendo]

Chaos Reborn summons single-player mode

Chaos Reborn, the latest turn-based strategy game from original X-COM creator Julian Gollop, now has a single-player mode. The new mode allows human players to take on AI wizards, or to play "hotseat" with other players, or a combination of both humans and AI. The update also includes a number of balance tweaks, a new spell that let's you "summon a pack of mutant, giant rats" and, in the spirit of the season, special Christmas themed graphics. If you're in the festive mood, keep in mind that the Christmas graphics will only be available for a limited time. On a recent live stream of Chaos Reborn with Joystiq, Gollop discussed plans for other single-player content as well, specifically what sounds like a fairly complex campaign. You can hear him discuss it, and watch him beat the tar out of Joystiq's Alexander Sliwinski, right here. Chaos Reborn is available via Steam Early Access now. [Image: Snapshot Games]

KOTOR finds the Androids you've been looking for

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, BioWare's beloved RPG, is now available on Android devices. To mark the occasion, developer Aspyr Media has slashed the usual $10 price in half (with a lightsaber, presumably). You can snag it from Google Play right now, so long as your device is up to snuff, of course.

Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN- (Review)

I only play Hotline Miami 2 on vinyl

There's this game coming out called Hotline Miami 2. You probably haven't heard of it. Anyway, I found out you can get this sweet collector's edition with the soundtrack on vinyl. It's, like, sixty bucks and comes with three discs – all of them 180 gram, colored vinyl, of course – and it features 28 different tracks from the game. You also get a Steam download code for the game, printed on a special "phone card," which is, like, what old people used before smartphones or something. You probably haven't pre-ordered it yet. I mean, I heard about it months ago, but it's cool if you like it now, or whatever. [image: Devolver Digital]

Duck Hunt flocks to Wii U Virtual Console on Christmas

As the turkey takes the prominent spot at your dinner table this Christmas, Nintendo has another bird in mind for your TV. The Wii U Virtual Console edition of Duck Hunt, announced earlier this year, will hit the eShop on December 25. Once you're stuffed to the gills, why not take aim at a few virtual ducks? Or, if you need to cater to Grandma's delicate sensibilities, you can always blast a few clay pigeons instead. Here's hoping the Wii Remote makes a decent stand-in for Nintendo's classic Zapper light gun. [Image: Nintendo]

'Lords of the Fallen 2' in early stages of development

It looks like Bandai Namco's other brutally punishing action RPG, Lords of the Fallen, is getting a sequel. The news comes by way of developer CI Games executive producer Tomasz Gop, who confirmed on Facebook (and also to Eurogamer) that development on the sequel's "vision and concepts" has begun. Gop refers to the game simply as "Lords of the Fallen 2," though we fully expect a grim subtitle to be tacked on at some point. Lords of the Fallen 2: Dim Spirits, perhaps. Our own review of Lords of the Fallen praised the game's departures from the Dark Souls series, with which it shares a great deal, but ultimately found that "there comes a point at which it has no more tricks up its sleeve." [Image: Bandai Namco]

We're paying for broken games, and it's unacceptable

There was a time when you bought a game, pulled it out of the box, popped it into your device of choice, and that was it. In today's video game industry, however, a single game isn't even the end product. Now we have downloadable content and expansion packs – and don't forget to buy the season pass so you get it all for a nominal discount. Never mind just pre-ordering your games either, now we can pre-load them, guaranteeing access the very second a game becomes available. And the pre-order bonuses, bestowing us with trivial costumes or weapons, or maybe even some extra levels that will inevitably be sold after launch, despite being billed as pre-order "exclusives." Even without these premium additions, the game you bring home isn't the static creative work it once was. Developers and publishers are free to update their games now, patching out unforeseen problems or even adding fan-requested improvements. It's good that issues can be resolved, but the darker side of this is the now infamous "Day 1 Patch." These crucial updates are applied on launch day, providing fixes so last-minute that they couldn't make it onto the discs before they were pressed (or even onto the downloadable code, for that matter). The implication of the Day 1 Patch, of course, is that the game in the box, or sitting in your Steam download queue, isn't actually finished. The troubling part, as 2014 has proven, is that even after you've applied that patch, you can still wind up with a broken game. Not only that, but if the marketing has done its job, you have a broken game for which you have already purchased additional content. Maybe you paid a little extra for a special edition. You're a savvy shopper, so you saved five bucks on future DLC with a season pass. In today's climate, it's easy to plunk down $100 on a game before you've played a single minute of it. If said game doesn't work, all you've got is a fancy SteelBook case, a useless download token for DLC and maybe a plastic tchotchke for your desk. And that's assuming you didn't pre-order digitally, in which case all you have is a broken game and no hope of a refund.

Tales from the Borderlands (Review)

GameStop stock drops on declining sales, despite new hardware

GameStop's third quarter financial results show global sales are down for the quarter ended November 1, 2014, totaling $2.09 billion, compared to 2.11 billion over the same period last year. Net income fell to $56.4 million, as compared to $68.6 million during the third quarter last year. Despite this overall decline, the company says that sales of new hardware rose 147 percent, adding that after a year on the market, the installed base of the Xbox One and PlayStation 4 is 73 percent larger than that of the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 after their first year of availability. GameStop's bread-and-butter pre-owned sales, meanwhile, grew by 2.6 percent over last quarter. Sales of mobile devices, a new focus for GameStop, grew by 125 percent thanks to "continued expansion and strong results" for the company's new Spring Mobile stores. So, with all of this apparent growth, why the drop in sales? GameStop CEO Paul Raines pins the decline on Assassin's Creed Unity, which was delayed to November 11 earlier this year, meaning it couldn't be included in GameStop's third quarter results. Wall Street hasn't taken kindly to the news, with VentureBeat reporting that GameStop's stock has dropped by 13 percent.

Halo: The Master Chief Collection running into matchmaking problems

Dealing with the Covenant isn't the only problem players are facing in Halo: The Master Chief Collection today. The huge collection of Halo goodness launched today, and some serious multiplayer matchmaking issues launched right along with it. As we noted in our review, matchmaking can take up to several minutes and it may not be full. That's assuming a match is found at all. We've also encountered infinite loading screens following a match, requiring a reboot of the game. Furthermore, we were unable even to arrange a custom game outside of matchmaking between two Joystiq editors. When and if a match is found, performance seems to be stable, at least. Developer 343 Industries is aware of the problems, and notes that it is working "around the clock" to resolve them. A server side update has been issued, which 343 says has shown "some improvement," though we haven't noticed any significant changes. Updates on the current status of matchmaking will be made here, on the Halo Waypoint forums.