Actually Jeff Bezos, I'm the world's wealthiest man if you count how rich I am in love and also my drug empire
Well Jeff Bezos, you've been named the new world's wealthiest person, so I suppose congratulations are in order. That is, they would be, if not for one simple fact: you are not the world's wealthiest person. I am.
That's right, Mr. Bezos, all of your billions ($90.6 of them, according to Forbes) pale in comparison to MY wealth. You see, Jeff, I am rich in love for my family, and the profundity of that love far surpasses your bank accounts.
Also, I run a global criminal drug empire worth more than $300 billion.
SEE ALSO: In the gig economy, I'm a doer. And you can be one too
Sorry, Jeff! Your spot at the top of the world's wealthiest list is unfortunately meaningless! Even with all your money, profit and influence, you'll never match how truly rich I feel each and every day of my life when I walk into my home and am greeted by my sweet young daughter Alise, my beautiful wife Shannon, and my 75 personal bodyguards armed to the teeth to protect me and all of my drugs 24/7.
Of course, I'm sure you're feeling good today, thinking about where you started and how far you've come along on your journey to becoming the world's wealthiest man. Your passion for your business is very admirable. But mark my words, Mr. Bezos: some day soon you will look around and know that your $90.6 billion is chump change — a hollow, meager number meaning nothing — when stacked up against the swell of love in my heart when my daughter says, "Goodnight Daddy, I love you," or my right hand, Jürgen, tells me, "We have defeated the cartel. You now control all of North America's major drug routes."
I wouldn't trade a second with my incredible family for all the money in your bank account, sir. I also wouldn't trade it for my own bank account, which has much more money than that in it (because of the drugs).
Image: Shutterstock / Dragon Images
If you're interested in being truly wealthy, Mr. Bezos, I do have some advice for you:
Make time for family dinners. Don't put work first.
Don't force everything into a schedule. Be spontaneous. Take a break!
Kill your competitors using paid assassins, and then kill those assassins to cover your tracks.
Invent a really bad drug and sell it for a lot of money.
Image: Shutterstock / Dragon Images
Remember: being wealthy on paper is less of a blessing than it is a curse, my friend. Be careful it doesn't make you lose sight of what really matters: your incredible family. Also it is bad for me because the IRS will see my drug money and I will go to jail for a long time, possibly forever.
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.
WATCH: Glowing beer is a thing thanks to biohacking technology
