Millennium Shelter
No matter what you call the next decade -- the naughts, the pre-tens, the zips -- it's drawing near and you can't get out of its path. Many folks claim that widespread chaos and pandemonium will ensue soon after the clock hits midnight. Prepare for the worst. Use your leftover stuffing and coagulated gravy to construct a fortified refuge. Fashion the leftover wishbone into a dangerously accurate sling-shot. Whittle the turkey's neckbone into a crude but menacing dagger. And use that dagger to cut pumpkin-pie tins into throwing stars. Don't waste a thing -- the new millennium ain't gonna to be pretty.
Save the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Although Thanksgiving is the quintessential American holiday, your leftovers can be put to use in the most peculiar of places: Pisa, Italy. A contingent of Italian-American celebrities -- Woody Allen, Danny DeVito, and Tony Danza to name a few -- are heading up a grassroots effort to save the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They're asking people to send in their leftover pumpkin-pie crusts, which will then be used to build a new foundation for the tower. One big-name celebrity commented on the daunting project: "We're going to smash up all those unwanted crusts, make a big ol' something or other, and prop that sucker up."
Sign of the Apocalypse
Things being as they are, doomsayers are hard at work looking for signs that the end is nigh. The topic is so hot, there is a PBS documentary on the apocalypse. Why not use this opportunity to play a little joke on the dinner guests? When everyone has adjourned to the living room to digest and relax, place the turkey carcass on your pet's head -- dog or cat will work -- and nudge said pet into the living room. Follow close behind and scream. For added effect, tape the turkey gizzard to the inside of your pet's ear.
Mashed Potato Roofing Tar
While a normal roof-tarring job often involves unpleasant odors and boiling pots of acrid gunk, 30 pounds of leftover mashed potatoes will work wonders. Simply slather the semi-congealed taters on your roof about an inch thick, apply tiles, and you're good until spring. Just ask the folks at Everything's Archie, a handsome shrine to the clean-cut comic book character featuring exclusive pictures, bustling chat rooms, loads of links, and news about the upcoming Archie movie. They all tar their roof with mashed potatoes. Really.
Turkey Drumstick Waterwings
An idea: You meet someone special. You develop a crush. You're so lovesick, you can't eat. You work up the courage to invite your special lovely someone on a date. A movie. You consult the bfi100, "a selection of favourite British films of the 20th Century." You decide to watch Whitnail and I. Things go well. Within a year you marry. Within two years you buy a house with a pool. Within three years you have children. A loving parent now, you teach your children how to swim. You do it the day after Thanksgiving. You tie leftover drumsticks to their arms and toss them in. "Swim," you say. "The waterwings will keep you afloat."
Cranberry Sauce Darkroom Lights
Are you an amateur photographer? Thinking of setting up your own basement darkroom? If you want your photos to be anywhere near as good as the images found at Science Service (a collection of scientific snapshots chronicling innovation and invention), you simply must invest in some equipment. You'll need the various emulsions and toners, processors, lenses, what-not -- oh, and those special light bulbs that bathe everything in a red glow. To cut costs, simply take a regular light bulb and dip it into any leftover cranberry sauce you might have lying around. The stuff stains like you wouldn't believe. And when the bulb heats up, it gives off the odor of burned cranberry. Yum!
Turkey Bone Fencing Mask
Why not put those leftover turkey bones to good use and construct a safe and effective fencing mask? Just glue together some bones -- the legs and wings work especially well -- insert your head into the "bone shield," line up the bones so your vision is not impaired, and you're ready to thrust n' parry. Don't believe us? Ask the folks behind Worlds Apart, a new exhibit from Encyclopedia Britannica that examines the role that ethnic rivalries have played in the Balkans, Central Africa, the Middle East, and South Asia. (Or ask the U.S. National Fencing team. They used the "bone shield" for years, but recently stopped because team members were constantly complaining of being "really tired" and always wanting to watch football.)