Athenian Chaise Lounge, 5,000 B.C.
The esteemed English archeologist Sir Albert Simonson discovered this handsome living-room-set piece in 1903. The maroon recliner belonged to Cleisthenes, a fearsome Athenian warrior who was notorious for wearing long flowing robes with little or no pockets. As James Gleick discusses in his book "Faster: The Acceleration of Just About Everything," Cleisthenes rarely had time to take advantage of the chaise lounge, as he was often very busy kicking Peloponnesian butt.
Anasazi Indian Love Seat, 2,500 B.C.
A crack team of UNLV archeologists discovered this charming rustic love seat fashioned from adobe, coyote hide, and the bones of slain enemies. The cozy two-seater was also used in ritual sacrifices, as evidenced by its intricately etched blood flutings. The subsequent nearby excavation of a flying saucer-like aircraft--very similar to the indoor airships offered at Draganfly Innovations, suggest that besides being darn good furniture craftsmen, the Anasazi Indians also knew how to zip around in outer space.
Pompeiian Barkalounger, 79 A.D.
This perfectly preserved easy chair, currently on display at the British Museum, is distinguished by a large mustard stain on the left arm rest. The couch's owner, also found perfectly preserved, was apparently enjoying a mid-afternoon nap when Mount Vesuvius popped its top. Unlike the racy bucket seats shown in Classic Car Couches, or the flamboyant designs of The Sure Fit Ugly Couch Contest, the Pompeiian lounger is relatively modest affair: tanned leather trim, adjustable back support, and a handy swing-out foot rest.
Viking Divan, 450 A.D.
This eye-catching slipcovered sofa was unearthed just outside of Oslo. An engraved monograph indicates that the divan was painstakingly crafted by the monks of St. Alfansus, who were truncheoned by Eric the Red during the sack of Cardiff. Eric subsequently dragged the divan back to his castle in Norway, where he sat on it occasionally. Several caffeinated peppermints were found between in the seat cushions--Eric popped them to help work himself into a berzerker frenzy.
Ottoman Empire Ottoman, ????
Some claim that this overstuffed armless chair comes from the ancient city of Alexandria, Egypt. Others contend that the intricate craftmanship suggests the great artisans of Cordoba, Spain. Skeptics insist that it's a cheap rip-off from Macy's department store in Manhattan. Unfortunately, a check of National Geographic's Tale of Three Cities, an annotated painting depicting life in those famous metropolises, yields no further clues. Thus, historians must simply trust the small tag on the seat's underside that reads "Made in Constantinople. Dry Clean Only."
Da Vinci's Leather Sectional, 1507 A.D.
While this piece is almost certainly lost to the ages, the Gallery of Obscure Patents recently discovered several faded sepia-toned sketches illustrating Da Vinci's self-described "favorite place to kick back and down some brewskies." The blueprints reveal a couch that was both luxurious and technologically advanced; it's burnished Corinthian leather masterfully conceals a complex system of weights and pulleys, which historians believe be the world's first remote control. This theory comes from the discovery of related Da Vinci's sketch, simply labeled "Totally Huge Big-Screen TV."
Baltimore Settee, 1970 A.D.
Reeking of mildewed velvet and cheap perfume, this noteworthy model was recently retrieved from the nets of a Chesapeake Bay fishing boat. It's date of origin is unclear, but judging by the funky rhinestone eyeglasses and glossy 8-by-10's of legendary Baltimore film director John Waters that were found wedged between the cushions, the couch most likely belongs to cult movie starlet Mink Stole. When contacted and asked to claim ownership of the piece, Ms. Stole responded simply by saying, "I remember that couch. It was Divine..."