Subject: Coyote, Wile E.
Condition: Mail-Order Disorder
Reacting to the failure of several mail-order products (Acme Rocketcar, Acme Roadrunner Snare, Acme Boulder Catapult), the subject was observed kicking, stomping, and glaring angrily at said products. In one instance, captured on tape at Warner Bros. Hip Clips, the subject is seen attempting to push the defective merchandise off a nearby cliff, at which time the surrounding mesa actually collapses beneath his feet, causing him to fall to his almost certain death. Interestingly, the subject periodically realizes the folly of his violent behavior and wistfully waves "bye-bye" before plummeting to the canyon floor.
Subject: "Tom"
Condition: Kitchen-Mousehole Syndrome
Feline subject was brought in after waging a vicious campaign of terror against his longtime live-in companion, "Jerry." Manifestations include manic chases around living-room furniture and repeated psychotic episodes involving a large frying pan. Suggested treatment: "Tom" should undergo complete immersion in VAGUEpolitix, an eclectic political forum that advocates "compassion with edge, cynicism with heart and flat-out dumb fun."
Subject: Fudd, Elmer
Condition: Hasezorn (literally, "hare anger," in German)
A balding, homuncular man, the subject has violent hallucinations about a sarcastic, burrowing mammal. Several of these fantasies involve deep, dark holes in the ground and long, heavy shotguns. During psychiatric evaluation, Fudd responds to all external stimuli with agitated cries of "I'll get dat wascally wabbit!" After three hours of forced exposure to soothing still-life images and captivating portraits by acclaimed English artist Emma Sergeant, the subject was finally able to discuss his childhood.
Subject: Le Pew, Pepe
Condition: Inconsolable Heartache
This French expatriate skunk was found shredding a box of long-stemmed red roses, eating a three-page love letter, and hysterically pounding the hood of his Le Car. He had driven nine hours from Milwaukee to visit his girlfriend and her family, but after entertaining a bratty cousin, chatting endlessly about kitty litter prices, and helping to prepare catnip fricassee, Le Pew was unceremoniously dumped. Apparently, his girlfriend claimed "I just want to be friends," citing, among other reasons, "You stink."
Subject: Magoo, Quincy
Condition: Merger Mania
The subject was detained after rampaging through the New York Stock Exchange, swinging his umbrella wildly in all directions. When the myopic tycoon was later questioned, he revealed deep-seated resentment over the failure of a Magoo Industries takeover bid for General Electric. It seems that the near-sighted billionaire was counting on the historic merger to land him in TheStreet.com's countdown of 100 Events That Shaped a Century. When finally informed that he wasn't included in the site's historical retrospective, Magoo donned his smoking jacket, ascot, and slippers and curled up into a little ball.
Subject: Chipmunk, Alvin
Condition: "A Fever of 103"
Falsetto-voiced, harmonica-playing Chipmunk was institutionalized after attacking bandmate Theodore for missing a note during the chorus of Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achey Breaky Heart." In the past, Chipmunk has also been known to blurt out obscenities and randomly insult audience members. This irrational behavior likely stems from the subject's regret over his musical group's decision to become a "cover band." Upon hearing the diagnosis, Chipmunk shook his little head from side to side and hurled a walnut at the doctor. Luckily, the "Fever" can be controlled with regular viewings of Bring the Rock, a site for fans of indie music.
Subject: Duck, Daffy
Condition: Indiscriminate Ill-Temperedness
Billed, aquatic subject appears to be in a permanent state of agitation. Causes may include: green-helmeted aliens, haughty rabbits, and capricious god-like cartoonists. Duck also suffers from a pronounced speech impediment, which causes him to distort phrases such as "Suffering succotash!" and "That is downright despicable!" Associated stress might account for Duck's paranoid delusions, however it is more likely that he has simply been "blown to smithereens" too many times. Suggested treatment: repeated viewings of Trailervision, a whimsical collection of previews for imaginary films that manages to amuse and delight even the most cantankerous waterfowl.