1. You Hear Unseen Voices
Hearing voices is a surefire signal that the end is nigh. Recently, we were jolted by a long string of eerie, atmospheric mutterings. Then we realized NPR was simply running another installment of its series, Lost and Found Sound, which offers eerie, atmospheric audio clips from the past 100 years. Go to the online version and you'll hear the sounds of the Northern Lights, a discussion of the greeting "Hello," and some guy's grandpa talking about playing the harmonica. Just remember, as long as the voices are broadcast via radio or Internet, you can sleep tight. If they're coming from your cat, then it's time to duck and cover.
2. Oprah Runs for President
Oprah tells us what to read, eat, and avoid. While these tips are helpful, they could easily be interpreted as the machinations of a reckless misanthrope intent on ruling the world. Is a run for the White House Oprah's next step towards global domination? We heard that just last week she devoted an entire show to TIME and the Presidency, an exhibit that celebrates photographs of the chief executive. So when you see Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, and Oprah Winfrey in a panel discussion about Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, head for the hills--armageddon is on its way.
3. Odd People Start Popping Up
Forget the four horsemen riding across a charred landscape, the grim reaper slowly gliding across the horizon, Pauly Shore getting another sitcom. It turns out that the point guard for Team Doomsday is a curious fellow known as the Memory Artist. Here's a brief passage from his bio: "M.A. wakes from dreams of a verdant Tuscan village. He paints the olive terraces, the burnt sienna of the brickwork, and a jumble of terracotta rooftops, exactly as remembered. In the labyrinth of crooked, stone-paved streets around the cathedral he waits, slouching toward the cool gray shadows of childhood, having claimed them for his own."
4. Real Viruses Spread Through the Internet
Forget Melissa, think meningitis. Biological viruses will soon race through fiber-optic cables like wildfire. Still got a clunky 14.4 modem? You may get off with nothing more than a chest cold. If you've got a T1 line, you won't be feeling so cutting edge after a 24-hour attack of flesh-eating Ebola. As a matter of fact, you'll be feeling quite dead. Top scientists will consult Epidemic: The World of Infectious Disease, a comprehensive exhibit from the American Museum of Natural History. Anti-virus software will be written by HMOs. Med students will rule the chat rooms. Despair will descend...
5. Everyone Speaks in Tongues
Say you're buying a Slim Jim. The 7-11 clerk hands you your change and says "O Man! A cute king. Ahoy!" instead of "Thank you. Come again." This is definitely an indication that the 5-day forecast is calling for fire and brimstone. Of course, just because doomsday is close at hand, that's no reason to go around in a funk. Use the Anagram Genius to translate pre-apocalyptic babble into clear, precise English. You can also use the site to goof on friends or celebrities by rearranging the letters of their names. "William Henry Gates the Third" becomes "Rah mightily, wealthiest nerd!" Ahoy!
5(a). Everyone Speaks Like the British
Cor blimey, O'Reilly, guv'nor! Mum got run over by a lorry after eating a packet of crisps for afters! I accidentally flushed me wellingtons down the loo in me flat! If you find that you can't stop using distinctive British phrases, then it may very well be closing time for mankind. If you are spouting unusual lingo, but aren't sure of its country of origin, consult English To English, a handy glossary of British terms. If you recognize the phrases, then it's time to kiss your Aston-Martin goodbye!
6. Stickball is Declared the National Pastime
Make haste, repent, for the almighty stick is lifted, the gang is on the stoop, and the corner store of the apocalypse is open! Stickball, the childhood game memorialized by The Games We Used To Play, will rise from the ashes. The late George Burns recollects: "When we played baseball we used a broom handle and a rubber ball. A manhole cover was home plate, a fire hydrant was first base, second base was a lamppost, and Mr. Gitletz, who used to bring a kitchen chair down to watch us play, was third base. One time I slid into Mr. Gitletz. He caught the ball and tagged me out."
7. Your Cup Runneth Over (with Zesty Ranch Dressing)
It may not be in the Bible, but strange labor movements are definitely a sign of some bad mojo. Take the Interplanetary Truckers Union--rather than lobbying for improved health care and retirement benefits, this group fights for longer lunch hours and a wider choice of salad dressings at roadside diners. If their agenda succeeds, the workers of the world will undoubtedly succumb to a fatal malaise, resulting in a collapse of the global economy and the precipitous downfall of mankind. Upside: It's just a fringe movement, so no apocalypse. Downside: It's still almost impossible to find a good honey-mustard vinaigrette anywhere west of Omaha.
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