In an age of miraculous scientific and technological advances, it's hard to imagine what will come about in the next century. We already have the medical technology to do a Hand Transplant. Will it soon be possible to perform brain transplants? Will there be human colonies on Mars? Will you be able to get decent rye bread outside of New York City? No one knows. (Except our grey overlords.) But here's some speculation...
Avante-Garde Art on a Stick
2008 -- The emergence of the Euro, global Internet access, and low-cost international travel finally creates the long-heralded "one-world community." Sensing an incredible opportunity, the little-known Dixie Chicken restaurant franchise converts all 27 of its locations to dimly lit cybercafes featuring Chinese food, donuts, and web terminals directly connected to the New Media Encyclopedia. A spokesman says, "The possiblities are endless. Imagine a sumptuous dinner of General Tso's Special Chicken, a side dish of honey-glazed crullers, and a Jean-Luc Godard movie via live streaming video. That's good eatin'."
Teen-Angst-Flavored Lip Gloss
2010 -- A crack team of East German scientists chemically distills teen angst into a pale odorless liquid. One drop of the stuff instantly triggers a crippling bout of insecurity, boredom, self-absorption, and an all-consuming urge to scrawl trite poetry. Sensing a sales windfall, the R&D team at Clairol add the liquid to a new line of metallic lip glosses with names like "I Am So Not Happy" and "Could My Nails Be Grosser?" Advertising banners at Cranky, a hormone-laden forum for disenchanted teens, help corner the online angst market.
Glow-In-The-Dark Polaroids
2018 -- Taking advantage of the Timex Corporation's "Indiglo" technology, Eastman-Kodak scientists develop a startling new photographic format. When viewed in complete darkness, the new photos act as handy, portable x-rays. Tibias, femurs, and scapulas glow a ghostly phosphorescent green. Cheese Magazine, a hip photo zine specializing in eccentric imagery, highlights the new format in an exhibit of prom pictures: adolescent skeletons grinning awkwardly, slow-dancing, and loitering by the punch bowl.
All Advertising, All the Time!
2027 -- Dissatisified with the ratio of 10% content to 90% advertising, several major media networks decide to switch to an "all advertising" format. The new entertainment economy celebrates creative ad writers just like movie and TV stars of the 20th century. Even small independent contractors like advertising parody site Dumbentia find they are suddenly in great demand. "Who knew I'd be more popular than Leonardo DiCaprio?" says Dumbentia's lead creative, Chris Condon, referring to a popular turn-of-the-century movie actor. As he adjusts his Oldham-Armani sunglasses, Condon adds, "Please get out of my way."
Well-Adjusted Rock Stars
2045 -- The genetic engineering department at Polygram Records creates a new breed of affable, soft-spoken, reasonably intelligent rock stars. This new generation of enlightened rock stars eschews "bumper-sticker" activism and only drinks in moderation. Unlike the musicians in Fuller Up, a vast gallery of dead rock stars, they avoid untimely deaths from chemical excess or automobile accidents. Their music is unique, yet accessible, and they only play intimate club gigs.
Better to Look Good
2071 -- Laboratory-grown body parts become widely available to the general public. The practice gets out of hand, however, when one transplant lab asks for approval to manufacture 4000 copies of Cindy Crawford's mole. In a move to head off gene-pool corruption, the American Medical Association suggests that cosmetic surgeons turn to the Masters of Photography for upscale body parts. The plan is a huge success, exposing a whole new generation to Alfred Eisenstaedt's "Feet of an Ethopian Soldier," Dorthea Lange's "Back," and Edward Weston's "Torso of Neil."
Cartoon Crossbreeding
2099 -- In a desperate effort to revive the flagging cartoon industry, a consortium of the world's brightest comic-book artists convene at Jellystone National Park to create an "uberhero." The new character possesses four superpowers, borrowed from superheroes of yesterdayland--Mighty Mouse's ability to fly and harmonize, the Super Globetrotters' all around "badness", and the super-fantastic high elasticity of Plasticman. But due to copyright and budget constraints, they are forced to use Apache Chief, Huckleberry Hound, and Mushmouth from The Fat Albert Show, ultimately creating just another big, tall, dumb guy.
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