'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' director basically murdered a Porg, and he's really sorry about it

Ethan Alter
·Senior Writer, Yahoo Entertainment
A Porg in <em>Star Wars: The Last Jedi</em>. (Photo: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures/Lucasfilm Ltd./Courtesy Everett Collection)
A Porg in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. (Photo: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures/Lucasfilm Ltd./Courtesy Everett Collection)

Rian Johnson cleared up a number of lingering mysteries in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, including who Rey’s parents are (Answer: nobody special) and what Kylo Ren is packing under his Grandpa Darth-inspired wardrobe (Answer: a meme-ready set of abs). But one big question we’re still left with is: What do Porgs taste like? Johnson introduced these adorable space penguins into the Star Wars mythos in The Last Jedi, where they share the remote island of Ahch-To with Jedi turned hermit Luke Skywalker. While Luke himself follows a stringent diet of thala-siren produced green milk, Chewbacca is all too happy to make a meal out of a Porg … that is, until his dinner is interrupted by a grieving critter who promptly serves the Wookiee a hearty guilt trip.

We had a party tonight for the AMAZING marketing team who worked on TLJ. There was a terrifyingly realistic Porg cake, and I got to cut it. NSFW.

A post shared by Rian Johnson (@riancjohnson) on Feb 21, 2018 at 10:56pm PST

Johnson, on the other hand, won’t let the Porgs’ cute factor get in the way of a good meal. In a new Instagram video, the writer-director is glimpsed taking a knife to a full-size Porg-shaped cake presented to him by the film’s jubilant marketing team, celebrating the film’s $618 million domestic box-office haul as well as its impending Blu-ray release on March 27. Eternally polite, Johnson cries out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” as he sinks the sharp implement deep into the creature’s smiling face, before proceeding to slice its neck and, finally, bury the knife in its chest. “Strangely satisfying,” he admits before inviting everyone else in attendance to have a slice of Porg.

Disney digital marketing director Dustin Sandoval was among those who observed Johnson’s ritual Porg sacrifice and tweeted his approval.

All eyes are now on Episode IX director J.J. Abrams to see when and how the Porgs strike back for this cake-related offense. Will the one aboard the Millennium Falcon activate Chewie’s ejector seat when he’s not looking? Or maybe Johnson will cameo as an illegal Porg trader sentenced to a lengthy stint in a Canto Bight dungeon? Either way, you can count on their revenge being sweet.

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